Holiday musings and maybe a few rants...

Well, I made it through Christmas. It wasn't that bad, just not as enjoyable as it used to be. The company was great and the food was great, I loved everything I got - it's not anything I can pinpoint other than missing traditions that died with the people that I made them with. I realized you can't force past traditions on new people, even if they are family, and it's hard not to get angry even if it's really really irrational LOL. One nice thing has started to happen though, time seems to be slowing down a bit - I can only hope and pray that's a trend for the coming year. I would love to come to this time next year and say FINALLY, IT TOOK SO LONG! I want to savor each moment, each experience and be able to remember what I did yesterday because it was memorable and not just another day. I tried so hard to do that this year and the deck seemed to be stacked against me. I'm not the only one either, everyone I've talked to has said that this year went by REALLY fast and REALLY SUCKED. The new year that is approaching I feel will be a welcome relief from the waning year of 2010.
Off topic rant: If you aren't going to do your job properly then don't blame me when I go behind you and it's impossible to do my job which in turn makes other parts of your job difficult. Shit rolls down hill and it's just karma if the shit that hits you in the face is YOURS!

See what I mean!

My last post was on the 1st and now here I sit looking at the date and it's the fucking 8th! How the HELL did that happen?!? I have absolutely no clue. It's frustrating to feel like you're loosing so much time! It's not like I black out or anything it's just that the days run together so fast that I feel like I'm barreling out of control in some unknown direction. I spend so much time worrying about what needs to get done or might be coming around the corner to get me that I just keep my head down and keep moving - obviously that's the answer to the "where did the time go" question...I do feel like at some point we will get out of this financial situation and into a very bright and happy future - I just hope and pray we get there before we lose everything. There has to be a lesson somewhere in all this chaos, it's just slowing the scenery down enough to pick out the details. I know I should probably be meditating but I can't sit still that long - too many monsters in the closet so to speak.
One good thing today though, we finished the football (unpaid job, ugh) video and will be handing it over on Friday :-) It looks fantastic, especially when you consider how crappy the footage we were given to work with! I really think the parents will be blown away and maybe we can get into their booster budget next year and actually get paid for it next time. We are at least putting our name and logo in the credits so maybe we'll get some free advertising out of it - you never know who might be the parents of one of these kids (fingers crossed!!). The sitcom project is going to have to be reshot but the upside is the writer has asked my wife to direct!! So exciting! If we can get this show picked up by a network...finger's so very crossed!!!!!
I've gotten a little more content editing done on the book - focus on the word little LOL. Perhaps I'll do some of that now - night all :-)

Two posts in one day!

Nobody faint - two posts in one day is almost unheard of for me but apparently I have a lot to say today. I've been going back through my posts to add labels (sadly didn't even know what they were until recently LOL) so maybe I can increase my follow a bit and I realized something. I've been a little boring lately. My posts are getting as lost as I feel lately and that is not good reading so I must apologize to my dear readers! I will attempt an update on some of the more interesting things in my life right now...
I'm still working with my wife at her company, with the economy it's been a struggle financially but I enjoy the work. We're shifting direction to the more creative side because A/V integration has apparently tanked in this market right now - even our more established competition is cutting staff and having a hard time so it's not just us. My wife is the queen of networking and finding the right people and we're slowly starting to infiltrate the film business outskirts. We have several video editing projects going right now, sadly none of them are paid but we're trying to get a demo reel up on the website and start a name for ourselves in the post production industry. We probably should have given up on the integration a little sooner but life is a series of lessons and I guess that one was one we needed to learn the hard way.
The band (I don't remember if I updated in the blog but my darling cousin decided to create a band with her musicians) is on holiday hiatus right now and I'm missing it terribly. I'm in withdrawal LOL - for so many months we were focused on the music and we've gone cold turkey (of course part of that was due to the exodus of our drummer). Hopefully with our great guitarist (yes he's that good) and a new drummer on the horizon (finger's crossed they gel because they're both awesome) things will pick back up on that front.
The book is going well, if a bit slowly. I'm content editing right now and trying to work out the direction I want to go with the ending. I know the feel I want so it's just a matter of nailing it down. I have a short story that my wife let some people read (before I'd edited it so I got picked on for grammar and punctuation which I'm not good at anyway, ugh!) and they like it and want to help get a script done for it and do a film shoot - no/low budget to see if it will get picked up - which is exciting and daunting at the same time.
Ok, I think that's it for now - hopefully this is slightly more entertaining than my previous whining and I promise to do better!

Does anyone know how...

to slow life down a little? Any advice? Anyone? Hello...? These days I wake up one day on Monday and the next day I wake up and it's Friday, where the hell did the week go?!? I know the days existed only because I'm freakin' tired. It's really quite irritating because there are things I want to get done but I'm at one job or the other or both most days and when I'm home I lapse into couch potato mode. I can't be irritated at anyone but myself for the couch potatoing, this I know, but it sneaks up on me! I innocently sit down for just a minute to wind down from the day and then 3 hours later I've accomplished nothing except watching TV when I could be writing, crocheting, yardwork, gardening or planning my holiday gift list, etc. I can forgive myself the days that I work both jobs because I don't tend to get home until after 11pm and any iota of energy I had to get things done is gone completely. The days when I only have my day job to go to I don't have any excuse at all except perhaps laziness. I never considered myself lazy but looking back I haven't really accomplished anything big yet, although I did finally finish that baby afghan LOL. Some people would consider a career track an accomplishment and if you're a doctor then I would agree but as an admin assistant turned mortgage processor turned admin assistant I tend to think of it more as a necessity than an accomplishment. Ugh, you know what, I'm sick of the self analyzing. This is boring. Subject change!!
Thanksgiving was actually pretty great even though I was a little upset originally about everyone else going their own way. It was just me, the wife and my parents and really yummy food, it was a nice relaxing day. My Mom grazed all day which is so funny because she eats practically nothing at home. Now on to Christmas! If I can manage to afford the gifts I need without going hungry I will consider it a success - how sad is that.

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've been in blog land but life has been a little too complicated to put out there lately. Update on the last post; I have lost approximately 13 pounds which is great but have been falling off the wagon a bit lately - I haven't gained anything back though so I'm hopeful to get back on track after the holiday.
I miss the innocent bliss of the holiday season of my youth. The older I get the more things creep in to make this time of year an emotional mine field. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and skip all festivities completely and part of me is still striving to get back the feeling I had even just a few years ago - hell even last year was at least pleasant and sadly that too has been lost due to events of the past year. None of which will be discussed here to preserve the feelings and dignity of the people I love. I just have to accept the fact that I may never get back the total enjoyment of the holidays and right now I'm in mourning over that fact. This year for some reason I'm especially missing my Uncle Jim for Thanksgiving and my Geba (grandmother, hey I was 1 and that was what I came up with LOL) for Christmas even though they've both been gone for a while now. Sigh...
On lighter notes, I have been writing some lately, trying to edit down the 16 chapters I have so far and see if I can find my way to the end of the story. I'm also potentially going to be doing a short film of my short story "Escape" which is really exciting! It's so weird to think of myself doing a movie LOL! It really brings to light for me just how mundane the movie business is and how ridiculous our idolization of actors and film makers is. Random thought I know ;-)
I will do my best to keep up with my blog better but as you know the best intentions are often led astray.

One day at a time

No, not the TV show LOL. It's the attitude I've had to adopt wholeheartedly recently. I have to give thanks each day that I still have a house, a car and food to eat and realize that each day is precious regardless of how scary things are. I also have started a new diet - one that I have witnessed results from other people that have done it. I'm always good at starting the diet, it's about a month into it where I start to loose focus that I have to step back and remember the mantra...one day at a time. I've also had to accept the fact that I have an addiction to food. This was a hard realization and one that I had denied for so long. I always used the excuse that I'm a "foodie", I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my yummy dinners out taken away by the diet monster. I came to realize how big of an excuse it really was - Chick-fil-A is not frickin' fine dining here people and that's the type of thing I was typically eating. I can only hope that these realizations will stick with me through the coming months and this time it will work.

Time

Time is one of those things that both sneaks up on you and hits you in the head with a two by four alternatively. Lately it's been doing both to me. So much has happened over the past month or so since I've posted that I can't even begin to go into nor do I particularly want to relive any of it. Suffice to say it's been a difficult time that I only recently have felt like I'm coming out of. I am now in a financial situation that I know I will emerge from but being stuck in it sucks...I could really use $200K if anyone has it to spare! ;-) The other side effect of all this emotional crap is that I have been completely unable to write. It's as if my brain was disconnected from my hands - the conduit shut down completely. Luckily that seems to be slowly mending as well, whew! Now all I have to do is reconnect with my body - I've let myself get back to my highest weight and I feel like crap, another reason the writing has been a problem. It's harder for me to write if I feel yucky - I know for some people that's inspiration but for me it's like trying to see through a dirty window. I hate feeling this way because I know if I just try it will get better so quickly but the thought of actually trying makes me want to cry because I feel so crappy - the ultimate catch 22. Okay, enough whining for one day...

Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.

Nope...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, just been a tad busy lately. It's easy to get lost in the flow with so much going on - work, band rehearsals, open mic nights, etc. It's a very different life than I used to have, before all this going out on a weeknight was almost unheard of so my sedentary life has gotten a bit of a kick in the pants. I'm not complaining, it's just sometimes hard to wrap my brain around all of the things that are happening. We (and by we I mean my entire house) are embarking on a new lifestyle that includes improved diet and daily exercise, yet another thing to adjust to...YAY (insert dripping sarcasm here). I know it has to be done, I'm back up to a new highest weight of 242 (ouch that hurt to type) so if I want to enjoy my life I have to start living it and not burying myself under mounds of fat. I've also made a recent discovery that playing guitar is HARD and it hurts too. I've wanted to play an instrument my whole life and a piano is a bit cumbersome so I thought this would be a great idea. So far let's just say my pride and confidence have taken a beating. I'm sorry I'm a bit random today, my brain is a jumping bean at the moment. Sigh...

Sad...

I'm currently working with my wife at her company. I enjoy the work for the most part but I feel a much bigger sense of responsibility and pressure than I have working in any other environment. I feel like my shortcomings are a much bigger liability here than anywhere else I've worked. I don't know if that's because I lean on her in our personal life and though I try hard not to transfer that to work I probably do. I didn't make a phone call for her today, not because I didn't have time or anything but because I was scared. It makes me sick to say that but I have to be honest with myself about it. So much was riding on that phone call and I couldn't stomach the possibility that I would screw it up. I know I let her down. I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry. Sigh...

Yippee!!

I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)

Very cool :-)

My sweet cuz has given me a Versatile Blogger award! She and I are similar in that regard, we do not fall into a specific category of blogs - we just write what we feel and who we are. Randomness and all. Apparently I'm supposed to tell you all 7 things about me that you don't know, which until now didn't seem that difficult but faced with it I'm drawing a blank. Okay...here goes...

1. I spent my formative years as a preacher's kid. My Dad was in Seminary while I was a kid and was assigned to several churches before he decided it just wasn't his calling when I was about 8. It was both an interesting and difficult way to grow up, you had certain advantages but a great deal of pressure to act a certain way as well.

2. I was on a horse before I could walk. My Mom is a horse person to put it mildly. She had me up on her horse in front of her when I was about a year old and I pretty much stayed there most of my childhood. I drifted away from it in my teen years, at least the riding part - I still love horses and need them in my life to feel whole but right now I'm to heavy to feel comfortable up in the saddle anymore.

3. I LOVE music and dance. Music wise I am all over the place - I love everything from metal to classical and from rap to folk. I'm always surprising people with my taste in music - I don't exactly look like a metal head LOL. I also love dance, ballet is my first love but So You Think You Can Dance has opened me up to other styles. Not that I can dance but I love watching other people do it :-)

4. I'm a closet singer. I've been singing since I was a kid in the church children's choir and then in high school I was in chorus. I still sing in the car - at least when I'm alone. I don't feel confident enough in my voice to sing with other people around other than my wife (she loves me warts and all) although I've been trying to do it more lately. I've always had people around me that were better than me, first my Mom and now GE, so I've always felt safer singing alone even though I know they would never judge me.

5. One of my absolute favorite things is to cook. I was mainly taught by my Geba (so named by me at the age of one, I was her first grand baby and all subsequent grandchildren kept the name) but also some by my Mom. Everything else is self taught and learned from the old PBS cooking shows in the 80's - The Frugal Gourmet, Cooking Live, Yan Can Cook, Julia Child and more recently The Naked Chef and Good Eats. Yes, I'm a food whore LOL

6. One of my other absolute favorite things to do is travel. I could easily live off room service - now I am picky about where I stay though. It has to be a nice hotel - no less than 3 stars preferably 4-5. Now if my budget could follow that necessity I would be very happy. Some of my favorite places so far have been Scotland, Ireland & England, The Southern Cross Club on Little Cayman Island (a true treat if you can manage it) & Disney World. I'm a Disney freak if you must know.

7. Okay, 6 good things...now I must be honest about a small flaw in my personality. I have an issue with completing projects. For example, I love to crochet and needlepoint - I have a baby blanket that I started when my wife's cousin was being born...she's now 9 and it's still not done. I have another afghan that I started in the mid 90's that will hopefully eventually be a king size blanket but is currently still only about 2 feet in height. My needlepoint project I started before my uncle died (he got me into needlepoint and it's been hard to get back to it since his death) several years ago. I also have the problem in my writing, the original 4 chapters of my book I wrote back in 2001 and the book still isn't done. There are many other examples, none of which make me proud but I have to accept them, learn from them and move on. I'm actively trying to turn this behavior around - one day I'll have a closet full of blankets and a published book :-)

Whew...that's it folks. I hope you learned a little about me, got a little entertainment out of it and will hopefully continue to follow my little blog.
Thanks for reading!

Why oh Why

I ate Varsity for lunch. Some of you may not have a clue what I'm talking about, in fact most of you won't. You have to pretty much be from Atlanta to be in the know. The original Varsity is down the street from GA Tech and they are a landmark here. They still have a drive in down there with waiters on roller skates! There are also several Varsity Jr.'s around town which is what we went to today. I always forget how I'm going to feel afterwards because I go so infrequently. Don't get me wrong, the food is very yummy but it's so heavy and greasy and I always end up feeling like a big slug afterwards. Well actually for the 1st couple of hours it just wages war in my tummy, then the slug appears after that and I feel like I'm carrying about 50 extra pounds and someone slipped me some Valium..LOL! That's where I'm at right now - blearily typing away trying to stay awake and out of the bathroom. I know you are all thanking me right now for that image ;-)

Zombie Land

Well folks it's not pretty but this is the aftermath of a our long weekend. We all pretty much look like this - those of us who are actually awake LOL - I was just the only one brave enough (or is that stupid enough) to fall on the sword and show you.

It’s 10:30am on a sleepy Atlanta Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a warehouse rehearsal space with the wife, the artist and our family waiting on musicians for the band auditions. We are all currently praying that the turnout today is better than yesterday. This shouldn't be too difficult…we had one guy come yesterday. Not to say yesterday wasn’t fun, GE got a lot of rehearsal time in with a stage, lights and microphone – it was so cool watching her up there, she’s like a little sun that everyone revolves happily around. We are all a little bleary eyed this morning though so I’m hoping a little more excitement in the way of great musicians comes our way today. More later as things progress 
Well after a loooooong morning we finally got some action around 4pm – a drummer and a guitarist! Two different people, not all in one LOL. Nice guys and very talented. We’re all kinda dragging so it was nice to have some energy infused. The 6pm appt is here now which should help too 
Sigh…it’s now 6:46pm and I’m really tired of listening to this guy and his negative know it all crap. Yes he’s talented but if I hear him say MONEY one more time I may have to kill him. Of course we want to make money but if you put the music first the money will come – now shut the hell up dude, you sound like an ass.
Yikes – it’s 10:15pm and we’re still here. It’s a good thing though, the last guy to come in is a drummer and we had to wait for him to go get his kit – it was worth the wait  We’ve called back our fave guitarist and we’re currently waiting on him to get here so they can jam together and see if there’s a good vibe. I’m going slightly deaf…okay so more than slightly! The drummer is awesome if a bit quiet, he seems a little shy despite our efforts to get him to break a smile.
Yay – the guitar guy is back and setting up – it’s about 10:30pm now – we’re all tired and really punchy which is hilarious because we’re laughing at the dumbest shit LOL! Guitar guy is still setting up – his poor girlfriend that got pulled out of the shower by our request for a call back is I’m sure wondering who this insane crowd of people is. Lordie my brain is mush right now – I just spent a good couple minutes with my fingers hovering over the keys forgetting how to form words. Oh well, at least I’m still having fun!
11:45pm. Still here. 13 and a half hours. Great music. Great vibe. No make that amazing. Some kinks but time will heal all. Very tired and ready to go to bed.

My strawberry has tits!

After the wife and I stopped rolling on the floor with laughter I knew I had to make this my first photo posted in my blog. I figured everyone could use the laugh ;-) Now back to work!

Getting myself out there...

Well, I'm trying to be more proactive about my writing career and garnering some attention (not something I'm terribly good at). I've created a gmail and facebook acct for Heather Michelle :-) I'm also asking for help from established and successful authors (thank you so much Jim!). Now all I have to do is WRITE. It's so easy for me to get overwhelmed with a project this big - I'm used to short stories that you can write in an hour LOL. I know I have a good story in my head and heart I just have to get it out through my little fingers and out from behind my stupid filters telling me that no one will read it anyway. Anyway. On to life stuff! These past two weeks have been BUSY ones, the music project that I mentioned forever and a day ago is back in gear and we're doing open mic nights around Atlanta and our darling little girl (ugh I can't call her that anymore as she is now officially an adult in every legal way, Happy 21st baby!) is KILLING it out there. I still love watching the people at the bar or the peripherals of the area turn their heads when she opens her mouth - the look of astonishment on their faces is priceless! I'm having fun too, I'm not much of a social butterfly but since I'm the driver at the moment I'm actually getting out and into the world of the living.
Now I must do a little writing or my little home gang will thrash me! LOL

Two sads and a happy

I'm in a great mood today which seems a little selfish in the light of one of my sads...My uncle is dying, there's no other way to say it unfortunately. I just found out he has decided to fight it but he's already so weakened (waited too long to go to the doctor) that I'm afraid treatment will kill him. I have mixed feelings about how to feel about it - he pretty much ignored and continues to ignore my existence but I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worse enemy so it's hard to reconcile in my heart. I'm sure if you asked him he would say he loves me so I can't be too hard on him, he's a good guy just a crappy life. My other sad is much more shallow but it actually made my cry last night and I rarely cry. My favorite dancer on So You Think You Can Dance is out of the competition due to injury. Alex is one of the most exquisite dancers I have ever seen and I've seen Baryshnikov live. He dances from the inside out and with a technique and grace that is beyond compare.
My happy today is my day - it has been great, I got a lot accomplished at work and the wife and I worked well together today :-) I feel so much lighter and happier now that I work here.
Life is certainly giving me a lot of ups and downs right now but I choose to focus on the ups and feel blessed that I have any at all because so many out there don't.

Really good weekend :-)

Had a great weekend with my family :-) There was shopping (twice!), really yummy food, bowling, cake and really awesome company. So much fun! Today was a good day too, work was good and got to have a fun afternoon with the wife.
Ugh, I'm trying to concentrate on blogging and keeping you actually updated with life at large but I can't seem to stay focused. Sigh...

How life changes...

I was reading through my last post (over a month ago, squeak!!) and I'm marveling over the changes that have taken place since then. To update everyone, I failed the damn test. This created a full on re-evaluation of my life and it's direction. I knew I would have to commit at least 6 months and more than a few dollars to taking a full scale class to pass the exam and it became increasingly clear that I was not willing to do that. I also discovered that regardless of any certifications my job description was not going to change and I would not make the amount of money that is standard for that type of cert. so I had to make a decision. I have since quit my job and am now working full time with my wife's company. We've always done better when we focus our combined energy on a task so despite the serious financial concerns we're going for it. I'm adjusting to the somewhat more relaxed atmosphere both at home and at work. I'm also having a hard time with adjusting to different expectations. I'm used to having a set task list, once you're done you've done your job and here it's more fluid than that and I feel very obligated to get things done and not be a hinderance so it's a little more stressful in that regard. She has of course assured me that I'm doing great but we always put more pressure on ourselves than others do. I am enjoying it though, the other day was so freeing to be able to run out in the middle of the day and run errands for the office and get dinner too, then be home at a reasonable hour and cook. Very cool in my book :-)
My book has taken somewhat of a back seat recently with everything going on, I'm a little overwhelmed with the project at the moment which isn't all that unusual. I've reread the whole thing and I was surprised at how much I rushed through, like I was trying to get all the ideas in my head down without fleshing them out and it shows. There's so much I want to expand on and I really want to head in a slightly different direction with it, it's a little too sci-fi right now and I'm really going for more alternate reality than that. I want it to feel like what's happening in the book could happen to you, not necessarily the end but the journey so that the end is kind of shocking and thought provoking. Maybe now with my new schedule I can settle into a writing routine!

I've created a monster

LOL - my Mom has never been into Lost, she and her sister tried to watch and it never made it past the 1st season. We got home tonight from dinner and were trying to decide on a movie, she said she wanted adventure so I pulled out the 1st season of Lost. I figured if she made it through the pilot she'd be totally hooked and I was so right. Insert evil laugh here. I had forgotten how good this show was right from the beginning and it's much less stressful watching it knowing how it all ends. I also find it beyond hilarious that the essence of the show was given to us in the 1st real episode.

Back to the Land of the Living

Well, the exam is done and I'm awaiting the results. I've sort of been in a bubble of study, eat, sleep, repeat since my last post. When I saw the date I was shocked, it so doesn't feel that long ago since I last posted. I did study diligently and I still have no idea how I did, it was definitely an out of body experience during the exam. I feel rather liberated now that it's done, I don't feel guilty doing anything else (like writing!). I have finally gotten back to my book, I've read what I have and I seem to have lost parts of it in the death of 2 computers. I'm also a little disappointed at how I seem to have almost skimmed parts of it, like I wasn't ready at the time I wrote it to really delve into some aspects and it shows. I have to give myself a little credit though, even at 20 something I wrote a pretty damn interesting story. I only need to give it a little more detail, clean up a few areas of laziness (LOL) and decide the ultimate destination of my characters and I really thing it will be a good book. It still excites me so that's a good sign, one of the things I love about writing is that I "see" the whole thing as I write it so it's kind of like watching a really long movie in my head. I guess I'm weird because that is so much fun to me.
On other notes, my cuz and her family is moving here soon and I am SSOOOOOO excited!!!! :-)
I don't know what else to catch you up on because I've been so out of it with studying and worrying about the test and feeling guilty for doing anything other than studying and worrying about the test...whew, how was that for a run-on sentence LOL!!
I solemnly swear to try and make much more regular appearances to my blog if you promise as my readers (all 1 or 2 of you LOL) to stay with me :-)

I HATE POLLEN!

Spring has officially sprung and the pollen is out in full force. Everything is coated in a thick layer of yellow and breathing feels like I'm in a chalk factory. I feel dirty just walking out the door, yuck! On the bright side the weather is gorgeous. Temps are lovely, not swelteringly hot yet, and we've only had one day of rain lately. Welcome back sun! Yay! Life is also blooming. I can definitely feel the shift from the darkness and inactivity of winter to the more active time of the year. I'm exercising a lot more, we've starting doing an ab routine along with the cardio stuff and my poor abs are screaming obscenities at me as I write this. It hurts to keep myself upright LOL! I know the pain is worth it, I just have to get through it and soon I will start seeing the slimming effects. I haven't been able to see my feet while I'm standing up since my early 20's so I'm sure the day that happens again will be an emotional one and I am more than excited to get there.
I've also got a big work thing going and I have a month to get prepared for it an I'm terrified (it's an exam and I'm not a big fan of tests). I had to finally give myself a deadline or I would keep procrastinating forever but I just hope I can get it done. I'm also feeling the writing bug again, YAY!!!!! I'm nervous to get started with it again, I have so many ideas running around in my head like spastic butterflies that I don't know how to rein them all in. That's the fun part though, pinning them all down and seeing which ones work and which ones don't, it's just a daunting task.
All in all I'm excited to feel like I'm back with the land of the living!

Love and hate

This is the relationship I have with exercise. I love feeling more alert, more in control of my body but I hate the panting, sweat and very (did I mention VERY) sore muscles. I kicked my own butt yesterday, lower body workout (used the Biggest Loser Wii game) and today my ass and my thighs are cursing me with words even I don't use LOL. I'm very proud of myself for working myself that hard, I realized afterwards that I haven't exercised that hard since elementary school PE. For those of you that know me you realize it's hard for me to even say I'm proud of myself, I'm finally trying to allow myself to be that and admit it which I hope will lead to bigger and better things :-)

Lovely...

If you haven't caught on yet that lovely is dripping with sarcasm. I have discovered that medical coding, while mind numbingly boring, is a sign of the apocalypse...okay so maybe that's a bit drastic but it is a strange metaphor for everything that is wrong with our species at this stage of our evolution. {Do NOT comment to me regarding evolution vs. divine whatever, just DON'T} We nit pick things to death, and if you haven't looked at medical coding recently then you have no idea what I mean but trust me on this it is the most nit picky thing ever invented. Then there is health insurance, an utterly ridiculous idea that most civilized and uncivilized countries don't use. Why do we do this?? Money. The worst invention ever created by any sentient species in the universe. It is truly the root of all evil (well that and the blind insistence that my God is better than your God). If it weren't for money we probably wouldn't be as technologically advanced but I can almost guarantee we would be happier and more well adjusted. We have sacrificed happiness for money. I have some faith left in humanity and still believe that we would make the advances necessary without the financial gain part of it but then perhaps I'm just naive. Perhaps I'll stay that way because the day I stop believing that is the day I give up.

Ouch and Ugh

I'm full, hence the ugh, and I'm sore, hence the ouch. Ate too much dinner but enjoyed every little morsel LOL. I stepped it up a bit on the workout tonight and kicked my own ass, sniffle! Now I'm sore in more spots that I thought possible and I'm not looking forward to sleeping and letting all those muscles tighten up. I keep telling myself it's good for me and working (lost about 4 pounds, yay!) but my body keeps telling me to shut the hell up LOL!! Ah well, no pain no gain so to speak.
So much going on right now I havne't had much time or energy to pour out here but my brain is poking me saying it needs an outlet again so I will try to drag my poor little (snicker) body to my blog more often. Must go now though, it's time to watch Lost :-)

Words...

Sometimes, when we are tired or insecure, we use words that (I hope) we don't mean. We all have a perspective and each of us thinks that perspective is right. Instead of talking to people who have a unique perspective on a situation or someone who is simply good at listening we react in anger. That is all I will say tonight so I don't fall into the same trap.

Been a little busy...

Sorry guys, life has been a tad busy lately. I didn't realize how long it had been since my last post, I kinda freaked out when I saw the date LOL! I've been exercising, almost every day (took one off cause I was sick and yesterday off because I spent four hours of intense manual labor mucking horse stalls) :-) My doctor would be happy! Now I just need to work on the food angle all will be well. I haven't been writing much though, I have so many ideas in my head that I'm having a hard time sorting them out. It's hard to fit everything I want to do in a day when all this weight is literally weighing me down. It takes so much energy to get through work, working out, cooking, laundry, etc. that I don't have much left for more creative pursuits. I know that will improve as I lose the weight it's just a little disheartening at times know that there's something really cool inside my brain and no one else can see it yet. I hope that's the mark of a true writer and not just my ego talking. Perhaps it's my exhausted body yowling in pain (lol) that is making me a tad maudlin ;-)

Yikes...

I'm watching the first performance night of American Idol. All I can say is...wow...and not in a good way. I think may one girl so far that hasn't sucked ass and I wasn't expecting that one to be good. They've all been off or boring, the song choices are random which is probably due to the crap they let them chose from but STILL. Apparently the judges are all on crack or it sounds way different in the studio because none of them are being as critical as I would be if I were there.
Today was actually a decent day at work, I came home and sprawled across the bed to talk to the wife and fell asleep on her leg, LOL. I woke up almost an hour late and we were both curled up, me with my head on her leg, asleep. It was too cute :-)
Oh hell yeah! Crystal Bowersox is the shit! So far she's the only one who's nailed it. I can't wait to see what she does next. If she's gone next week AI banning will happen...grrr...!

Losing a friend

There are no words to explain what it's like when you have to say goodbye to one of your pets. My sweet cuz had to experience that today with her "grumpy old man" and while I try to offer my love and condolences I know first hand how little those words help. I've had to say goodbye to many a friend and I can honestly say it's no easier than saying goodbye to your human friends and family. The heart loves no differently, at least not in my experience, and when your loved one is separated from you it rips away a part of you. Time, in my opinion, does not heal all but it does ease the agony at least. I will never forget or stop loving my babies. So this post is dedicated to the sweet darlings of our past; Grey Kitty, Daisy, Muffy, Franky, Arty, Ashley Bear, Steamer and today's sweet baby Maddox. May you all rest is the most blessed of peace and I hope we meet again.

Sick and tired...

of being sick and tired. Most of my house is sick and we're all miserable :-( The only good thing is it's snowing! It almost never snows here so it's a rare treat. It'll be gone by Monday so I'm enjoying it while I still can. I don't seem to have much to say at the moment, perhaps it's because I'm drowning in phlegm (eww), so this will be short post today. Hopefully I will be well soon and back to my normal opinionated self.

Deja Vu and waxing philisophical...

It's a weird feeling, sitting there and all of a sudden you know without a shadow of a doubt that you've been exactly where you are doing exactly what you're doing. It's like the shadow of a memory but stronger sort of. It's not like any other feeling I've ever had. I've been having deja vu since I was a kid, it doesn't happen very often but it does still happen even now. For example, today I was sitting at my desk, posting checks, and that familiar yet still creepy feeling came over me. There's never any warning and it's always shocking and rather unsettling but still oddly reassuring. I've developed sort of a theory as to what it is but it probably won't be popular with most of you. I feel like it's flashes of other lives, not necessarily past lives because I don't thing time is linear. I feel like our souls are on a path of enlightenment, why is not for me to know on this plane of existence, but we're here to learn whatever lessons we can. I think until we learn the lessons required to move on we live the same general lifetime over and over and occasionally the soul suddenly remembers random moments. If you're rolling your eyes at this point or ready to boil me alive that's fine but I'm not trying to change your mind, just explore mine.

Getting older scares the hell out of me...

I'm not old nor am I close to being there but I work in an environment that is saturated with old (75+) people. I see what it means to grow old, to lose your motor skills, to lose your mental acuity, to lose what it means to be young. Your opinions grow old too, you grow closed off to changes in society, to changes in your life, to change at all. I suppose I see them at their worst, when they're ill, but it doesn't make it any easier trying to justify it. Some day I will slide into that existence as will everyone I know. It scares the crap out of me. How do I keep it from happening, how do I stay young at heart if not of body? Is it the mere acknowledgment of the potholes of the journey? Or is it simply the inevitable ending to life? I don't have the answers, I'm not sure anyone does, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm obsessing every day about this. It's just been on my mind of late as I've been interacting more with patients lately.
On a lighter note...LOST starts back tonight!! I admit to being totally hooked, curiosity has gotten the better of me and I must see it through to the end. I seriously hope the writers are as brilliant as they have made themselves out to be because if the end of this thing doesn't live up to the hype I will be sorely disappointed and more than a little pissed. Oh well, I'm going to try and enjoy the ride and wait for the answers like everyone else, something I'm not good at ;-)

ARGH...ARGH...ARGH...ARGH...

I have a few pet peeves. One of them is taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, your job, your life, and the 2nd is always try to treat others they way you would want to be treated. I don't always live up to either of them but I do my best to make sure I don't do it consciously. When I see someone else stomping all over both of these peeves I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. In this particular case I don't work for this person or her doctor so I have no say either way in how their patients are treated but I was hard pressed to keep quiet. It took longer for this person to argue with the patient about why she wouldn't do it than it would have to give him what he wanted, which by the way wasn't rocket science and would have taken all of 5 minutes. As soon as I heard "it's not my job" I was seeing red. It's a good thing I'm not her boss or she would have been fired on the spot. Hence the pic..LOL Aside from that the day still sucked, nothing went right, everything took longer than usual and it took a shower, Taco Bell and a drink to make it right again.
Okay enough venting about work....and yet that seems to be all I have to say today. Now that I've vented to the world at large (or my one reader, depending on how you look at it LOL) I feel better. I also feel a little sleepy and ready for mindless entertainment. :-)

Pretty new blog page :)

Thanks to my wonderful, awesome, amazing, talented cuz I have a new pretty blog header and profile! It is so me too, I keep staring at it instead of blogging LOL!
It looks all professional and "bloggish" :-)
Today was pretty boring at work (that's not really a bad thing LOL, I work at a doctor's office) and now I'm all happy and excited.
I'm a little irritated though, I've somehow lost part of my short story and I have no clue where it went. I had written a whole ending to it that added about 1500 words and now poof it's not there. Grrrr....So now I'm going to have to try and get back into the muse of that story and rewrite the ending. Sigh. I really liked the old one :(
OMG - the wife has apparently lost her mind, she's ARGHING at me like a pirate...although it could be because I irritated her ;-)
Anyway..LOL...
I'm hoping if I write here long enough tonight I'll miraculously gain inspiration and get back to work on my book. Think positively for me :)

Roller coasters and randomness

I love them. I used to be terrified of them and then one day at Disney World I realized I was a 32 year old who was letting my fear get in the way of my fun. That unfortunately is a theme in my life but I digress...I got on the biggest roller coaster I could find (Everest at Animal Kingdom), I figured it couldn't get any worse than that. It was scary and breathtaking and altogether awesome once I got my legs back under me LOL! Since then I've tried to remember that feeling, the complete surrender of control that resulted in some actual fun, and duplicate it when fear gets in the way. I tell this story because my life right now feels like being on a giant roller coaster, absolutely no control and going much too fast to register half of what's going on. I'm not sure if this is normal and I've just been living like a hermit crab and now I'm getting swept into the current of real life and don't know how to handle it or if this is not normal and I just need to make an effort to slow it down. I think if I could let go of some of the fear of the unknown it might be fun, or at least interesting.
Ah well, back to the mundane. I did survive the car tag drama, obviously. Two different tag offices, two looooong lines, and a whole heck of a lot of driving later I have my tag. I always find people watching in lines amusing. There are those that simply wait their turn quietly, those that are loud and irritated at having to wait and they make sure EVERYONE knows it, and then those in between that don't make a lot of noise with their mouths but their body language says it all. I fall somewhere towards the latter, LOL!
Confession: I call myself a writer but I'm too scared to pursue it beyond my own little world.
I've been writing since high school, poetry back then and now more fiction than anything. The poetry apparently died down with the teenage drama LOL. Whenever I let anyone read my short stories or book (partial) they tell me it's amazing and they want more and I should find a publisher, etc. I want to believe them but they're family (mom, cuz and wife) and part of me keeps whispering to me that they're just being nice like those people on American Idol that can't sing but they're families keep telling them they're the best thing since sliced bread. I feel sorry for those people and I do NOT want to make a fool of myself by exposing my precious prose (they're my babies!) to the outside cruel world ;-) Again it's the fear talking and I know I just need to ride the roller coaster and I am trying, it's just so damn scary!
And that ladies and gentleman is enough randomness for today - aren't you glad you aren't in my head!!

Time flies..

whether your having fun or not! LOL ;-) How the hell did it get to be Friday already? This week has been a blur - especially yesterday, up at 5am (ugh) and didn't get in bed until midnight. Long day is an understatement. I got pretty great sleep last night so if it weren't so cloudy and cold outside I'd be in the perfect mood, as it is I'm in a pretty good one. Even considering I have to go get my tags done today in two different counties...because my mom is on my loan as primary and she lives in another county I have to pay taxes there and fill out some stupid form and then come back to my county and get the actual tag sticker. Yeah it doesn't make sense to me either but whatever. I'll update you all as to how it went tonight...keep your fingers crossed ;-)

Not such a good day...

The wife had a migraine - I really hate to see her suffer like that and not be able to do anything other than put towels over the windows to keep the light out. Then I got a headache and felt like crap halfway through the day. I'm so overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to survive and pay the bills I feel like I'm drowning today. Most days I can keep it together but today wasn't one of them. I think my body was just reacting to my panic.
The evening has been better, I got into the kitchen and cooked dinner and that always makes me feel better as long as I can drag my butt in there in the first place. We watched AI and laughed and cringed at the crazies. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Favorite New Quote:
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe
Amen sister!!

Welcome to Slugville

I have been a complete and total slug this weekend - the first time I went outside the house was this afternoon to go to the store. I think my last two weekends of 16 hour drives and frenetic pace finally caught up with me. I feel bad because I barely saw cuz her last two days - okay so I didn't see her at all. I'm sure she had fun exploring the city but I feel like I abandoned them. I did have fun with B, cuz's youngest son, though - played WOW for way longer than is probably healthy LOL. He's an awesome kid - I'm old enough to be his mother so I feel more like an aunt than his cousin. I'm definitely the cool aunt thought LOL! Mom and Dad are going to kill me when he starts begging for a WOW subscription - sorry guys!!
Back to work tomorrow so I'm trying to drag myself back into the land of the living. I so don't want to right now. Ugh.

I had forgotten...

how much I hate the first weeks of AI - such crap. It irritates me how patronizing this show is and yet I watch it, what does that say about me? At the moment I'm too tired to really contemplate my hypocrisy.
Today is the beginning of my weight loss journey - this one will have to be successful because my health really does depend on it this time. I did 22 minutes of Wii Fit tonight, warmed up with the balance games and then did some aerobics and yoga - oh my abs! Drinking water now - it's going to take some effort and attention to not come home and grab a beer and lay down in front of the TV. Bad habits aren't created overnight but in this case they're going to have be broken overnight. At least I have help and support at home - and people who will kick my ass if I don't listen to the doctor.

Back to the present!

Monday was slug day - at least after my doctor's appt. My glucose # is above normal and I've had 3 borderline high blood pressure readings at my last 3 visits. My doc is all over me to lose weight - she's really concerned w/ my #'s given my age (thirty-something). Sigh. I know how to eat properly I've just lost the energy to put that as a priority. Something else we discussed - I've been on Wellbutrin since my last visit a month ago and now she's up-ing me to 300mg. I'm a little nervous about that. I really don't want to be dependent on drugs but I know I need a little help right now. I'm hoping as I try to re-engage in my life and with the people in my life I will see an improvement in me.

Today was back to work - really decent day! Things went smoothly and I was very grateful for that. Watched the 1st night of AI and I'm not sure I can stand it another season but I love Ellen and I'm determined to at least watch through to her first episode to see how she does. I'm pooped and done a ton of typing getting everything caught up. Night all :-)

Sunday 1/10/10

WARNING - not a good day - thank the hormones for this one - a touch more anger and cursing than usual ;-/

Oh Fuck. Today is apparently one of those days I don't need to be interacting with humans. First off my period came last night, thanks ever so much, and my hormones are raging. Everything and I do mean everything is pissing me off right now. Even the fact that it's so bright and fucking sunny outside today - why can't the weather match my mood - I don't feel like that's asking too much. All of us are a little touchy today - except perhaps my wife (also known as Producer girl), and feelings are a little too close to the surface for sanity. Sigh...some days I wish I still smoked. At the moment we're tracking guitars and by "we" I mean out of 6 people in the room 2 of them are actually working LOL. I think musicians have this bizarre ability to be sexy regardless of what they actually look like as soon as they pick up an instrument - so unfair! Anyway...this part is pretty boring but that is probably mostly due to my mood. I'm also not looking forward to another 7-8 hour drive back home, although at least it's not raining. I'll probably actually appreciate that stupid sun once I'm driving.

I am in full fly mode today - they're all talking about who knows what and I'm over here scribbling my rantings and observations - I guess I'm projecting that fuck off vibe pretty well. It's days like this that my irritation and if I'm being honest jealousy are hardest to ignore. I feel like I've never and probably won't ever do anything as cool as this. True or not that's how I feel today. Good grief now I'm irritating myself with all this whining. If I want to make something happen it's up to me - I should just enjoy this experience and get over myself.

Ahhhh!! I think I've finally gotten to the point where I could stand not to hear this song for a few days. Especially this little part they're trying to get the guitar part right for & I've heard like 20 times. Ugh! The lava lamp looks like a jelly fish right now - in an hour or so it'll take on sort of a scrambled egg appearance and finally by the end of the day it'll finally look like it's supposed to with the bubbles. Heh - how's that for randomness.

Have you ever had to sit somewhere and look the outside like you're peaceful and calm but on the inside you are literally screaming. Most of the time I can ignore people's BS but today I just don't have the patience to filter it out. The Engineer is pissing me off at the moment - he acts like because he can push the stupid little buttons that everyone else in the room is a mere nuisance and we should be happy that he allows us in his presence. WTF. Right not I'd gladly take one of his guitars and bash him over the head. But he's my wife's best friend and I can't so I have to keep my mouth shut and channel the fly. Has anyone ever actually exploded from anger?

Long, long, long drive but luckily uneventful - got in around 2am. Too tired to think. Hopefully tomorrow will be less colored by the hormone monster.

Saturday 1/9/10

Second day in the studio, this AM we're tracking vocals, considerably less deafening - hehe. I have the funny feeling I'm going to be bored by this song by the end of the day and 40 times hearing it but it's still pretty cool that I'm here at all. Who knew that a part of my family that I hadn't seen in 30 years would become so intricately a part of my life now. I've been cut off from most of my family for so long, probably because of my reclusive parents but it's almost hard to know how to act around them because of that. I've recently discovered that I have a problem showing and accepting affection, I've realized how much it's effected parts of my life - I haven't let people in and I don't know how yet. I want to learn and I'm trying to figure it out but it's a little scary. Ugh. I keep digressing into randomness, oh well LOL no apologies. We're on the 5th run through and she keeps getting better, finally putting some some real heart into it and it's mind blowing in the best way. She is scary good. It's a lot more mellow today in the studio without the musicians but at least my ears aren't numb :-)

Much later in the afternoon now - had to go on a gopher run to break the monotony because even though I love the song 20 times is enough to drive even the most ardent fan a little nuts. I will say it's a fun atmosphere in here - I've never been in a "session" before so I don't have any references but there's a lot of laughing going on, pretty great vibe if you ask the fly. The producer (wifie) and the mom (mamma cuz) are conspiring on how to get the emotion out of GE - LOL. I'm busy watching the lava lamp bubble and swirl and reading Twilight for the 2nd time. Go Team Edward ;-)

Back at the hotel - today was amazing. The vocals are done and they are kick ass! Tomorrow we do filler guitars and percussion because we even got the harmonies done today :-) We had a good dinner at IHOP, everybody said we started a new tradition, going there after a good session. The girl is already in bed, Mom's on the puter and watching Dallas cream Philly, Producer is next to me having a drink and watching the game too. I wish I understood football, well okay so that's actually not true...if I really did I would. I guess I just wish I understood the point of a bunch of men trying to beat the crap out of each other over a funny shaped ball (sorry Deniz). And what the hell is a down, no one can seem to articulate it in a way that makes me understand or give a damn. Hell, when did Keith Brooking get traded to Dallas....do they trade in football or is that just baseball? Hmm...another pointless ball game I can't play LOL. EEEEEWWWWWWW!!! some stupid football player just spit on the sidelines - what the hell is that about?! LOL - OK maybe 3 screwdrivers and a very exciting day cause for interesting though pathways. Oh crap, it's 11:30pm!! How'd that happen? I just checked and it's was 10:30 - what the hell happened to that hour :-( I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun :-) Night all - love ya!

Long but exciting weekend...

I'm just going to jump right into my life - no real explanation, if you have questions I'll respond to comments.
I didn't have a computer w/ me most of the weekend so I had to pen and paper it to document everything.

Friday - 1/8/10

Wow. Sitting in a freezing warehouse studio tracking the 1st song of baby cuz's (henceforth to be known as GE) album and I begin to see a glimmer of the future. The mood lighting goes up and the drummer starts and so do the goosebumps. Being a part, if only that of the gopher, of something like this....well words just don't seem sufficient. Oddly enough there is a kind of lonely feeling to it, like I suddenly feel like that proverbial fly on the wall always watching but never quite being a part of something. God I hate it when I get all profound. It's true though. I've never finished anything in my life from the small stuff like my crochet or needlepoint projects to bigger things like my book, horses, a career...myself. Well there was one thing, something I'm more proud of than I can express that culminated in an event that was more profound that my first birth. If I could explain I would and perhaps one day I will but now is not the time. Anyway, back on topic - LOL - was there one? Yes, I was being depressing and self indulgent. Heh. But seriously...I never realized how both boring and exciting this "pre-production" stuff is. Damn this drummer is fucking awesome! Sorry, he's all I can hear at the moment - there's a vocal & guitar in the mix but without headphones your pretty screwed to hear them. Ooh, I got to listen thru the headphones! Wow, is all I can say. I can actually see in my head an arena full of people screaming for this girl and I'm sitting here on a leather (faux?) couch with icicle lights, a lava lamp & incense (no not kidding about any of those) listening to the very beginning. Pretty exciting shit. Too bad I'm going to be deaf by the end of the night LOL! Aside from the musicians, the engineer is pretty damn cool too, hovering over the board in this sort of lion over his prey/mother over her child stance and turning and pressing incomprehensible knobs that apparently actually do shit. Oh damn, drum solo...more deafness but greatness resides there!!! Takes my breath away. If only I could hear the rest I'd probably be on the floor.
Confession: The engineer has great hands, very sexy...god I hope he never reads this :-/....
Later in the evening...
Crap. I'm trying to write my book, or at least more of it, but reality for once is far more interesting than the world in my head. Who knew that was possible?! It's not that I don't want to write, it's that I can't get into my character's head because I'm too stuck in mine. I guess that's a good thing.
On to Saturday in the next post :-)