tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75062241571709590692024-03-12T23:05:03.919-04:00Working It OutVentings, Randomness, Confessions and Me...NO apologies.
One fair warning though - cursing abounds and I will not edit myself so if you have a problem with that flee now...Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-1754723393471754242013-09-12T15:12:00.003-04:002013-09-12T15:12:56.102-04:00A little lostI'm a little lost right now. I'm so tired of the rug being pulled out from under me that I'm starting to not trust anything, good or bad. I don't want to live that way. I want to be trusting, I want to be able to have relationships that go beyond the surface but lately that has gotten me burned (see last post LOL). I've been fighting to stay afloat for so long, I just need a vacation. A real one. Longer than 2 days. Somewhere quiet with good food and good booze and a comfy bed. Sigh.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-79610505745911066532013-08-22T19:13:00.000-04:002013-08-22T19:13:37.121-04:00What the hellWhat is wrong with people lately? Is it just "Let's Disappoint Heather Month"??? I know I'm probably too trusting but damn. They are all people I care about, would actually consider them all closer than family and they're all acting like selfish asshats right now. I can't say that too loud, I spent the better portion of my late teens and early 20's being a selfish bitch but hell, who isn't at that age. I'm tired of taking the high road and not blasting them into orbit, tolerance only goes so far before all your doing is just taking it up the ass. So, since I can't say this to each of them I'm going to say it here:
#1 - DUDE, you are an adult. You're just getting a divorce (again), you are too old and supposedly too together to pull this denial and lying bullshit. You're causing drama where there doesn't need to be and your HURTING people, not just your freaking wife but your kids and your friends. You know, the people who have BEEN THERE with you, standing with both of you and now you decide to freak out just because things are changing? Fuck you. Grow a pair.
#'s 2&3 (married couple) - Love ya'll, I do, but damn. You're acting like a pair of spoiled, selfish, judgmental brats. STOP IT. You don't get it. This shit isn't ABOUT YOU nor will it ultimately effect you all that freaking much so WHAT THE HELL? Grow the fuck up.
#4 - DUDE. You are a professional. The people you claim to be in business with made a commitment to finish a project. You made a commitment to us. Therefore it is your job to shut up and finish the project in the timeframe the client needs it whether or not you get paid for it. It's the entertainment business, we do shit for free so we can get the experience so people will trust us with their vision. It's art for fuck's sake, you don't take that lightly. Man up or get the fuck out.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-34771431146363484682013-08-12T12:37:00.000-04:002013-08-12T12:37:14.580-04:00Great weekend :)Had a great weekend with the fam, too much food and a little too much wine but a great time had by all. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming; work, eat, sleep, repeat... YAY....NOT...
Anyway, I digress. I finally reached my 10% weightloss goal at Weight Watchers :) I've been dancing with that goal for the better part of a lifetime and I've finally reached it. There are so many contributing factors as to why it's worked this time and why I think I will actually be successful it getting it all off this time. My head is in the game this time. I've discovered that it's easy to lose weight, it's just not easy to fight years of programming, self esteem issues and possibly past traumas. I'm in such a good place right now I feel like I could take over the world! Now to funnel all that into my book and getting it published...Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-76932410160229921852013-08-08T10:58:00.000-04:002013-08-08T10:58:34.427-04:00Happy Birthday to ME, LOLYes, it is my birthday and no I'm not telling how old I am. Doesn't make much difference anyway, I still feel 20 something :) A lot has been going on in regards to my church life and those relationships that spill over into the personal, I've been struggling with how best to handle the situation and I just got a big shove in the right direction. That Universal 2x4 comes in so many different ways, sometimes mundane and sometimes with a healthy dose of hocus pocus thrown in. That was my case today, I got a free birthday reading from tarot.com, I've been getting their daily horoscopes for years now most of which I ignore because they aren't always on target for me personally. It was a Celtic Cross spread which is one of my favorites, I don't often work tarot but when I do that's what I use, I've found that tarot is not something you want to do very often because it can confuse you if you aren't clear on what you're asking. For those of you who don't believe in that sort of thing that's fine, tarot for me is a way to connect to my subconscious, that part of me that doesn't always come out to play when I need it to or when I'm stupid enough not to listen normally (i.e. to trust myself). I digress. I asked for guidance in regards to the church/friend situation and the answers were clear and empowering, I know what I have to do (though it will be most difficult). I will have to, at least for now, sever the relationship. I can't allow the behavior I've witnessed to go unnoticed and unanswered, I know what I need to know and no matter how much convincing from their side is going to make the actions okay. I still love them, probably always will, but as my favorite aunt always says "when you turn the sound down and watch their actions you'll see the truth". What I find most annoying (this is the rant section in case you're wondering) is that they are accusing our church elders of unethical behavior, something I know to be untrue, and since the split we've come to see that it is in fact their behavior that is unethical - a liar can't believe anyone else. I know they will defend themselves and try to show proof they don't have and normally I would subject myself to that out of a sense of duty or loyalty or whatever but this time I can't. I know my path and where the truth lies and I just don't care anymore to hear the drama and bullshit.
Heavy stuff for a birthday :/ Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-39776013544132479992013-08-06T11:20:00.000-04:002013-08-06T11:20:04.712-04:00Being FatI am constantly made aware anytime I read and article about weight loss that most people think fat people are lazy. Well I think most people are jerks and sadly I keep getting that judgment reaffirmed as accurate. Maybe the jerks are right though but it has to go beyond laziness, I don't consider myself super lazy (but I will be the first to say I'm not super motivated either) and all being called lazy does for me is to make me hurt. What good does that do? It just seems horribly judgmental and unhelpful to assume that if you're overweight your lazy or gross. It pisses me off. Let's examine your lives before you start throwing around judgment, I'm pretty sure there's something in your closets you wouldn't want exposed. I've been truly fat since my mid twenties but I was told I was fat all through high school by all the boys that I went to school with (at least if felt that way), I would actually get ambushed in the hallways and teased about it. I was all of size 14 when I graduated high school. That's not fat. It's not super model size but Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and she was a sex symbol. I was too young and stupid to realize that either they liked me and were trying to get my attention or they didn't like me and were trying to hurt me but regardless they weren't being honest. I let that eat away at me for years and went from a 14 to 22 throughout my 20s and most of my 30s. I'm trying to take back my body and it's an ongoing and uphill process because it's as much about reprogramming my mind as it is about losing the weight. I will succeed. This time I win.
Love each other like there's no tomorrow.
HMHeather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-89759502506544390472013-08-05T13:08:00.000-04:002013-08-05T13:08:35.799-04:00MusingsThis weekend should have been a bad one, Saturday we had a very difficult meeting with our church and several members decided to leave the church which meant losing valued friends. I came to realize however that through their actions they showed me that who I thought they were and who they really are are vastly different people. I could choose to wallow in self-pity and anger but I can't do that. I have learned while on this path that everyone has their own path to walk and they must walk it in their own honesty. That doesn't have to match my path or even parallel it and I have to be okay with that. I have to allow them to follow their own journey and let them go with all the love and compassion I have to give. They aren't bad people, they're just misguided and so stuck in their own emotional loops that they can't see the forest for the trees and I can't change that. I have to be okay with that. I don't love them less for their decision I just mourn for the people I thought they were. I have to decide if it's worth keeping up the friendship or letting them go completely. I still haven't decided that but I'm allowing myself and them time to let things work themselves out before I go jumping to decisions (something they sadly didn't allow). Aside from all this drama I had amazing weekend, after those few emotional hours I was able to fellowship with people I hold very dear and then a girls day with Mom and the wife. Special days.
Judge less, forgive more and love so hard it hurts.
HMHeather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-57196281947506462452013-08-01T13:07:00.004-04:002013-08-01T13:08:25.324-04:00RepetitiveOk, so I've been going back and reading some of my more recent posts and I've realized how repetitive I'm sounding. I promise to do better! I think the updates are more to get myself back on track. I've been doing this with my novel too. I got back into it recently after a large video project completed and I actually had time again. I found myself retelling a story I'd told 2 chapters previously, it's like I've been absent for so long I've forgotten where to fit back in. The sad part was I liked what I'd written before better than the repeat. Hopefully I will get my ass in gear and get back on horse so to speak!Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-66684488091406830852013-08-01T11:34:00.001-04:002013-08-01T13:08:09.067-04:00New Look!I've been absent from blog land so long I just needed a change. The woman I was when I started this blog just isn't the same person I am today. The past few years have brought about both great joy and great sorrow and many mountains to climb, I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be but it hasn't come cheap. I couldn't bring myself to delete the blog though, it felt too permanent so I decided a makeover was in order. The picture I used for my header is actually one I took at the State Botanical Garden in Athens, GA, even in winter that place is amazing although I did cheat and use a template for the rest LOL.
I've been longing to come back to my blog but I realized a hard truth about myself. I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I've always told other people that they have to be honest, completely honest, or they're doing themselves a disservice. I realized I was doing the exact opposite. Not in every way but definitely here, I felt like I couldn't be honest for fear of hurting people I know who read my blog. I guess I was scared that if I said something they didn't like I would lose them but in the end if I can't be honest about my feelings then the relationship is a lie anyway and I'm not losing anything I didn't have. I can no longer worry about that, if I need to vent then that is what I'm going to do. If I don't I will explode and that won't be productive (or pretty) for anyone.
A quick update for everyone (or no one since I doubt anyone is still actually reading this LOL) - I'm working now solely as a writer and video editor, sadly unpaid up to now which I'm hoping to remedy soon as our name is starting to get out there. I still have a ton to learn but I'm finally enjoying what I do after almost 20 years in the work force. The wife is working a mundane job that she utterly hates but it pays the bills and we're finally getting caught back up from the hole we've been in for quite some time which helps a little with the hatred. My sweet cuz G has moved on from the music industry, at least for now, she's married and living up north and enjoying life for a while. I truly hope she decides to do something, even if it's just self release an album, she has a gift and it's such a waste to not give it to the world. The process of her changing course was not a happy or pretty one for any of us involved but thankfully we have all been able to forgive and come back together. I still ache sometimes when I hear one of her tracks or run across one of the many pics I took during that time, there was such magic there. Ok, I'm going to move on before I start crying. Geez, I'm such a wimp! LOL
I hope to be in here daily, just to get back into the habit of writing daily since the video stuff has taken over lately but I know myself and I tend to get swept up into life and forget to blog.
Judge less, forgive easily (including yourself!) and love so hard it hurts.
HM
Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-50705440602056562052013-02-12T18:09:00.001-05:002013-02-12T18:10:11.506-05:00Being sick sucks :(Just poking my head in to say hi and then crawling back into bed and praying this cold goes the hell away. I've been sick since Saturday, waaaaahhhhh. Yep, full on self pity mode. It's sucking all the motivation and creativity out of me and leaving a blob in it's place that just wants sleep and eat. Sooo productive. NOT. Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-36831272985208087342013-02-01T10:02:00.002-05:002013-02-01T10:06:30.164-05:00Calgon take me away!I need a vacation. I don't mean the kind where you run around sightseeing and shit I mean the hole up in a hotel room for 4 days and sleep kind. I need to be in a different city for a minute, I haven't left Atlanta for an actual vacation (weddings definitely don't count) since 2008. Yep, 4 freakin years. I'm tired. My batteries are on the fritz. I love my work but it's kind of all consuming, I've never had a baby but I would imagine that it's somewhat similar (minus the blinding pain that is). You spend your time carefully baking the cake so to speak, putting everything you are into making sure it's ok and then in one whirlwind week you finalize and export your project and pray the world is gentle with it. Then you're left kind of gutted. Your baby is born and in my case now in the hands of its real parents (i.e. the director LOL) and you're left kind of wandering around missing it and yet so freakin relieved that it's gone it's not even funny. Very at odds with yourself and the world, which you have completely neglected during the process and now have to reintegrate into. I'm working on roughly 3 hours sleep so if I haven't mentioned in my prior post I'm a video editor, a baby one still trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing, but making my way nonetheless. I'm not one of those people that can separate themselves from their work, whether I was on set or not, helped write it or not, or even whether I've even met the cast/crew, etc. I care. I want the baby to bake up to a pretty and delectable cake - hmmm..maybe I need cake. Oooh. Cake. Yeah, did I mention I need a vacation? Sigh......Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-86925461525751662752013-01-23T17:07:00.000-05:002013-01-23T17:09:00.576-05:00Where to beginI feel a stranger in my own blog. I've gone through so much since my last post that I can't even imagine how to update you all. I've decided not to try. There's so many terrible things and great things that it would take another year to try and say it all. I will just say this...I've been to hell and back and I'm a better person for it. To give you an idea of how bad, I haven't written a word (either here or my novel) in almost 2 years. I lost my voice. I lost my desire to have a voice. Depression? Probably. Growth? Definitely. I'm finally seeing the light and feeling the light and learning to hope again. I can't guarantee I'll be here everyday but I can say that I actually WANT to now and that's huge.
A few random (and I do mean random) vents to keep you entertained until I poke my head up again:
WHY, if you are standing 3 feet from me do you put your item on the shelf instead of handing it to me to put back? I'm RIGHT HERE.
Please don't return something if you've eaten part of it, that's gross. I don't care if it will save you three whole dollars, you took that risk when you bought it.
Attention all camera operators and film makers!!! NO we CAN'T fix it all in Post! Oh and keep the damn camera still please. And please STOP changing your camera settings during a LIVE scene - I can't use it if you do that...grrrrr.
Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-16976702776864205312011-02-10T22:02:00.002-05:002013-02-01T10:04:52.256-05:00What is the damn deal...Why is it when I want to write I am nowhere near a computer or pen and paper bigger than a fucking post it note but when I have absolutely NO desire to write I have everything at my finger tips and feel really really really guilty for not wanting to write. Whew - how's that for a run-on sentence! LOL...anyway...<br />I did finally finish the "outline" for the book - I use quotation marks because it's not a traditional outline that you learned in English class. I guess it would be more of a timeline than an actual outline but I've finally figured out where I'm headed with the story so I'm happy. I now have to decide what the final twist will be, I really want that feeling that the world just dropped out from under you when you read the last chapter. I think that will come as I write the rest - I just have to keep an eye out for it in my head as I play with it. <br />Now to the confession part of this stupid post...I haven't actually written anything other than the timeline in months. There I've said it. Now, what to do about that? I need a deadline but I have to have a consequence if I fail the deadline...any ideas?Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-67300182731389488992011-01-19T00:24:00.002-05:002013-02-01T10:03:59.258-05:00GunsI live in the middle of the bible belt, in a red state, and expressing my opinions regarding my views on guns is usually unappreciated by the members of some of my circle. I respect everyone's opinion and their ability to defend it, unfortunately most gun people don't return that same respect. I feel, from my brightest light to my darkest depths, that guns bring out the inherant evil of the human soul. My friend, which has sparked this particular post, has argued that it's the person that kills, not the gun. Her utterly absurd point was that "pencils sign death warrants", "cars drive drunk", and "spoons kill fat people" - I mean seriously? Pencils, cars and spoons weren't specifically designed to create death and destruction, whether or not it is possible to use them that way is irrelevent! We can take anything to the extreme to make our argument seem valid but it doesn't make it right. I exercised tolerance and simply agreed to disagree with her rather than argue my point but I must vent somewhere. I completely agree that we must exercise personal responsibility, it is essential in all aspects of life, HOWEVER I don't feel that we as a species are equipped to handle the responsiblity of guns. I don't believe that anyone has the right to hold a gun, guns aren't a right, free speech is a right - the ability to kill someone or something is NOT. I would love to see every single gun, from the smallest .22 to the largest whatchamacalit attached to a Navy warship, melted down to scrap metal and turned into something useful. A truly civilized species does not require it's citizens to carry weapons. I'm sorry but I just don't see how the ability to send a projectile into flesh and destroy it anything to strive for. You may call me naive, I call myself evolved.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-15946948092961090572010-12-29T21:40:00.005-05:002010-12-30T14:23:01.871-05:00Holiday musings and maybe a few rants...Well, I made it through Christmas. It wasn't that bad, just not as enjoyable as it used to be. The company was great and the food was great, I loved everything I got - it's not anything I can pinpoint other than missing traditions that died with the people that I made them with. I realized you can't force past traditions on new people, even if they are family, and it's hard not to get angry even if it's really really irrational LOL. One nice thing has started to happen though, time seems to be slowing down a bit - I can only hope and pray that's a trend for the coming year. I would love to come to this time next year and say FINALLY, IT TOOK SO LONG! I want to savor each moment, each experience and be able to remember what I did yesterday because it was memorable and not just another day. I tried so hard to do that this year and the deck seemed to be stacked against me. I'm not the only one either, everyone I've talked to has said that this year went by REALLY fast and REALLY SUCKED. The new year that is approaching I feel will be a welcome relief from the waning year of 2010. <br />Off topic rant: If you aren't going to do your job properly then don't blame me when I go behind you and it's impossible to do my job which in turn makes other parts of your job difficult. Shit rolls down hill and it's just karma if the shit that hits you in the face is YOURS!Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-68498853570696381082010-12-08T20:11:00.002-05:002013-02-01T10:06:11.114-05:00See what I mean!My last post was on the 1st and now here I sit looking at the date and it's the fucking 8th! How the HELL did that happen?!? I have absolutely no clue. It's frustrating to feel like you're loosing so much time! It's not like I black out or anything it's just that the days run together so fast that I feel like I'm barreling out of control in some unknown direction. I spend so much time worrying about what needs to get done or might be coming around the corner to get me that I just keep my head down and keep moving - obviously that's the answer to the "where did the time go" question...I do feel like at some point we will get out of this financial situation and into a very bright and happy future - I just hope and pray we get there before we lose everything. There has to be a lesson somewhere in all this chaos, it's just slowing the scenery down enough to pick out the details. I know I should probably be meditating but I can't sit still that long - too many monsters in the closet so to speak. <br />One good thing today though, we finished the football (unpaid job, ugh) video and will be handing it over on Friday :-) It looks fantastic, especially when you consider how crappy the footage we were given to work with! I really think the parents will be blown away and maybe we can get into their booster budget next year and actually get paid for it next time. We are at least putting our name and logo in the credits so maybe we'll get some free advertising out of it - you never know who might be the parents of one of these kids (fingers crossed!!). The sitcom project is going to have to be reshot but the upside is the writer has asked my wife to direct!! So exciting! If we can get this show picked up by a network...finger's so very crossed!!!!!<br />I've gotten a little more content editing done on the book - focus on the word little LOL. Perhaps I'll do some of that now - night all :-)Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-42619578470528344122010-12-01T14:21:00.002-05:002010-12-01T14:51:13.088-05:00Two posts in one day!Nobody faint - two posts in one day is almost unheard of for me but apparently I have a lot to say today. I've been going back through my posts to add labels (sadly didn't even know what they were until recently LOL) so maybe I can increase my follow a bit and I realized something. I've been a little boring lately. My posts are getting as lost as I feel lately and that is not good reading so I must apologize to my dear readers! I will attempt an update on some of the more interesting things in my life right now...<br />I'm still working with my wife at her company, with the economy it's been a struggle financially but I enjoy the work. We're shifting direction to the more creative side because A/V integration has apparently tanked in this market right now - even our more established competition is cutting staff and having a hard time so it's not just us. My wife is the queen of networking and finding the right people and we're slowly starting to infiltrate the film business outskirts. We have several video editing projects going right now, sadly none of them are paid but we're trying to get a demo reel up on the website and start a name for ourselves in the post production industry. We probably should have given up on the integration a little sooner but life is a series of lessons and I guess that one was one we needed to learn the hard way. <br />The band (I don't remember if I updated in the blog but my darling cousin decided to create a band with her musicians) is on holiday hiatus right now and I'm missing it terribly. I'm in withdrawal LOL - for so many months we were focused on the music and we've gone cold turkey (of course part of that was due to the exodus of our drummer). Hopefully with our great guitarist (yes he's that good) and a new drummer on the horizon (finger's crossed they gel because they're both awesome) things will pick back up on that front. <br />The book is going well, if a bit slowly. I'm content editing right now and trying to work out the direction I want to go with the ending. I know the feel I want so it's just a matter of nailing it down. I have a short story that my wife let some people read (before I'd edited it so I got picked on for grammar and punctuation which I'm not good at anyway, ugh!) and they like it and want to help get a script done for it and do a film shoot - no/low budget to see if it will get picked up - which is exciting and daunting at the same time.<br />Ok, I think that's it for now - hopefully this is slightly more entertaining than my previous whining and I promise to do better!Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-31467622537474182682010-12-01T13:36:00.004-05:002010-12-01T14:08:09.387-05:00Does anyone know how...to slow life down a little? Any advice? Anyone? Hello...? These days I wake up one day on Monday and the next day I wake up and it's Friday, where the hell did the week go?!? I know the days existed only because I'm freakin' tired. It's really quite irritating because there are things I want to get done but I'm at one job or the other or both most days and when I'm home I lapse into couch potato mode. I can't be irritated at anyone but myself for the couch potatoing, this I know, but it sneaks up on me! I innocently sit down for just a minute to wind down from the day and then 3 hours later I've accomplished nothing except watching TV when I could be writing, crocheting, yardwork, gardening or planning my holiday gift list, etc. I can forgive myself the days that I work both jobs because I don't tend to get home until after 11pm and any iota of energy I had to get things done is gone completely. The days when I only have my day job to go to I don't have any excuse at all except perhaps laziness. I never considered myself lazy but looking back I haven't really accomplished anything big yet, although I did finally finish that baby afghan LOL. Some people would consider a career track an accomplishment and if you're a doctor then I would agree but as an admin assistant turned mortgage processor turned admin assistant I tend to think of it more as a necessity than an accomplishment. Ugh, you know what, I'm sick of the self analyzing. This is boring. Subject change!!<br />Thanksgiving was actually pretty great even though I was a little upset originally about everyone else going their own way. It was just me, the wife and my parents and really yummy food, it was a nice relaxing day. My Mom grazed all day which is so funny because she eats practically nothing at home. Now on to Christmas! If I can manage to afford the gifts I need without going hungry I will consider it a success - how sad is that.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-51750939783933222822010-11-22T16:53:00.005-05:002010-12-01T14:10:14.912-05:00Yes, I'm still alive...It's been a ridiculously long time since I've been in blog land but life has been a little too complicated to put out there lately. Update on the last post; I have lost approximately 13 pounds which is great but have been falling off the wagon a bit lately - I haven't gained anything back though so I'm hopeful to get back on track after the holiday. <br />I miss the innocent bliss of the holiday season of my youth. The older I get the more things creep in to make this time of year an emotional mine field. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and skip all festivities completely and part of me is still striving to get back the feeling I had even just a few years ago - hell even last year was at least pleasant and sadly that too has been lost due to events of the past year. None of which will be discussed here to preserve the feelings and dignity of the people I love. I just have to accept the fact that I may never get back the total enjoyment of the holidays and right now I'm in mourning over that fact. This year for some reason I'm especially missing my Uncle Jim for Thanksgiving and my Geba (grandmother, hey I was 1 and that was what I came up with LOL) for Christmas even though they've both been gone for a while now. Sigh...<br />On lighter notes, I have been writing some lately, trying to edit down the 16 chapters I have so far and see if I can find my way to the end of the story. I'm also potentially going to be doing a short film of my short story "Escape" which is really exciting! It's so weird to think of myself doing a movie LOL! It really brings to light for me just how mundane the movie business is and how ridiculous our idolization of actors and film makers is. Random thought I know ;-) <br />I will do my best to keep up with my blog better but as you know the best intentions are often led astray.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-90033541097179532292010-09-28T17:26:00.003-04:002010-12-01T14:12:16.222-05:00One day at a timeNo, not the TV show LOL. It's the attitude I've had to adopt wholeheartedly recently. I have to give thanks each day that I still have a house, a car and food to eat and realize that each day is precious regardless of how scary things are. I also have started a new diet - one that I have witnessed results from other people that have done it. I'm always good at starting the diet, it's about a month into it where I start to loose focus that I have to step back and remember the mantra...one day at a time. I've also had to accept the fact that I have an addiction to food. This was a hard realization and one that I had denied for so long. I always used the excuse that I'm a "foodie", I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my yummy dinners out taken away by the diet monster. I came to realize how big of an excuse it really was - Chick-fil-A is not frickin' fine dining here people and that's the type of thing I was typically eating. I can only hope that these realizations will stick with me through the coming months and this time it will work.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-1113631193257832012010-09-22T18:14:00.003-04:002010-12-01T14:13:27.931-05:00TimeTime is one of those things that both sneaks up on you and hits you in the head with a two by four alternatively. Lately it's been doing both to me. So much has happened over the past month or so since I've posted that I can't even begin to go into nor do I particularly want to relive any of it. Suffice to say it's been a difficult time that I only recently have felt like I'm coming out of. I am now in a financial situation that I know I will emerge from but being stuck in it sucks...I could really use $200K if anyone has it to spare! ;-) The other side effect of all this emotional crap is that I have been completely unable to write. It's as if my brain was disconnected from my hands - the conduit shut down completely. Luckily that seems to be slowly mending as well, whew! Now all I have to do is reconnect with my body - I've let myself get back to my highest weight and I feel like crap, another reason the writing has been a problem. It's harder for me to write if I feel yucky - I know for some people that's inspiration but for me it's like trying to see through a dirty window. I hate feeling this way because I know if I just try it will get better so quickly but the thought of actually trying makes me want to cry because I feel so crappy - the ultimate catch 22. Okay, enough whining for one day...Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-63603053290510364322010-08-23T12:23:00.004-04:002010-12-01T14:15:22.568-05:00Wishing for a place to hideRough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-9559116072365538832010-08-18T22:51:00.004-04:002010-12-01T14:17:23.018-05:00Nope...I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, just been a tad busy lately. It's easy to get lost in the flow with so much going on - work, band rehearsals, open mic nights, etc. It's a very different life than I used to have, before all this going out on a weeknight was almost unheard of so my sedentary life has gotten a bit of a kick in the pants. I'm not complaining, it's just sometimes hard to wrap my brain around all of the things that are happening. We (and by we I mean my entire house) are embarking on a new lifestyle that includes improved diet and daily exercise, yet another thing to adjust to...YAY (insert dripping sarcasm here). I know it has to be done, I'm back up to a new highest weight of 242 (ouch that hurt to type) so if I want to enjoy my life I have to start living it and not burying myself under mounds of fat. I've also made a recent discovery that playing guitar is HARD and it hurts too. I've wanted to play an instrument my whole life and a piano is a bit cumbersome so I thought this would be a great idea. So far let's just say my pride and confidence have taken a beating. I'm sorry I'm a bit random today, my brain is a jumping bean at the moment. Sigh...Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-10156057329553823562010-08-09T11:05:00.003-04:002010-12-01T14:17:52.298-05:00Sad...I'm currently working with my wife at her company. I enjoy the work for the most part but I feel a much bigger sense of responsibility and pressure than I have working in any other environment. I feel like my shortcomings are a much bigger liability here than anywhere else I've worked. I don't know if that's because I lean on her in our personal life and though I try hard not to transfer that to work I probably do. I didn't make a phone call for her today, not because I didn't have time or anything but because I was scared. It makes me sick to say that but I have to be honest with myself about it. So much was riding on that phone call and I couldn't stomach the possibility that I would screw it up. I know I let her down. I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry. Sigh...Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-60570357597302741612010-08-07T12:17:00.005-04:002010-12-01T14:19:11.814-05:00Yippee!!I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7506224157170959069.post-25525755812109918472010-08-03T17:01:00.005-04:002010-12-01T14:21:18.373-05:00Very cool :-)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcAxIZedBpMRuJGU8Z80ILf9BIzyfPPQ6454AOSoi17x0u6_Irtj19RYtXXRk2YkMi2kD9X6fUnwnNMcCuXj2pQTsHTY-uJZiqQlcXm7HTq8qpxvQ_qT2x5GA71wVNNNrZdQ19ykupPL4/s1600/versatileblogger_thumb.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 208px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcAxIZedBpMRuJGU8Z80ILf9BIzyfPPQ6454AOSoi17x0u6_Irtj19RYtXXRk2YkMi2kD9X6fUnwnNMcCuXj2pQTsHTY-uJZiqQlcXm7HTq8qpxvQ_qT2x5GA71wVNNNrZdQ19ykupPL4/s320/versatileblogger_thumb.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501291956471235890" /></a><br /><br />My sweet cuz has given me a Versatile Blogger award! She and I are similar in that regard, we do not fall into a specific category of blogs - we just write what we feel and who we are. Randomness and all. Apparently I'm supposed to tell you all 7 things about me that you don't know, which until now didn't seem that difficult but faced with it I'm drawing a blank. Okay...here goes...<br /><br />1. I spent my formative years as a preacher's kid. My Dad was in Seminary while I was a kid and was assigned to several churches before he decided it just wasn't his calling when I was about 8. It was both an interesting and difficult way to grow up, you had certain advantages but a great deal of pressure to act a certain way as well. <br /><br />2. I was on a horse before I could walk. My Mom is a horse person to put it mildly. She had me up on her horse in front of her when I was about a year old and I pretty much stayed there most of my childhood. I drifted away from it in my teen years, at least the riding part - I still love horses and need them in my life to feel whole but right now I'm to heavy to feel comfortable up in the saddle anymore.<br /><br />3. I LOVE music and dance. Music wise I am all over the place - I love everything from metal to classical and from rap to folk. I'm always surprising people with my taste in music - I don't exactly look like a metal head LOL. I also love dance, ballet is my first love but So You Think You Can Dance has opened me up to other styles. Not that I can dance but I love watching other people do it :-)<br /><br />4. I'm a closet singer. I've been singing since I was a kid in the church children's choir and then in high school I was in chorus. I still sing in the car - at least when I'm alone. I don't feel confident enough in my voice to sing with other people around other than my wife (she loves me warts and all) although I've been trying to do it more lately. I've always had people around me that were better than me, first my Mom and now GE, so I've always felt safer singing alone even though I know they would never judge me.<br /><br />5. One of my absolute favorite things is to cook. I was mainly taught by my Geba (so named by me at the age of one, I was her first grand baby and all subsequent grandchildren kept the name) but also some by my Mom. Everything else is self taught and learned from the old PBS cooking shows in the 80's - The Frugal Gourmet, Cooking Live, Yan Can Cook, Julia Child and more recently The Naked Chef and Good Eats. Yes, I'm a food whore LOL<br /><br />6. One of my other absolute favorite things to do is travel. I could easily live off room service - now I am picky about where I stay though. It has to be a nice hotel - no less than 3 stars preferably 4-5. Now if my budget could follow that necessity I would be very happy. Some of my favorite places so far have been Scotland, Ireland & England, The Southern Cross Club on Little Cayman Island (a true treat if you can manage it) & Disney World. I'm a Disney freak if you must know.<br /><br />7. Okay, 6 good things...now I must be honest about a small flaw in my personality. I have an issue with completing projects. For example, I love to crochet and needlepoint - I have a baby blanket that I started when my wife's cousin was being born...she's now 9 and it's still not done. I have another afghan that I started in the mid 90's that will hopefully eventually be a king size blanket but is currently still only about 2 feet in height. My needlepoint project I started before my uncle died (he got me into needlepoint and it's been hard to get back to it since his death) several years ago. I also have the problem in my writing, the original 4 chapters of my book I wrote back in 2001 and the book still isn't done. There are many other examples, none of which make me proud but I have to accept them, learn from them and move on. I'm actively trying to turn this behavior around - one day I'll have a closet full of blankets and a published book :-)<br /><br />Whew...that's it folks. I hope you learned a little about me, got a little entertainment out of it and will hopefully continue to follow my little blog.<br />Thanks for reading!Heather Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12114225159858688601noreply@blogger.com0