Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.

Nope...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, just been a tad busy lately. It's easy to get lost in the flow with so much going on - work, band rehearsals, open mic nights, etc. It's a very different life than I used to have, before all this going out on a weeknight was almost unheard of so my sedentary life has gotten a bit of a kick in the pants. I'm not complaining, it's just sometimes hard to wrap my brain around all of the things that are happening. We (and by we I mean my entire house) are embarking on a new lifestyle that includes improved diet and daily exercise, yet another thing to adjust to...YAY (insert dripping sarcasm here). I know it has to be done, I'm back up to a new highest weight of 242 (ouch that hurt to type) so if I want to enjoy my life I have to start living it and not burying myself under mounds of fat. I've also made a recent discovery that playing guitar is HARD and it hurts too. I've wanted to play an instrument my whole life and a piano is a bit cumbersome so I thought this would be a great idea. So far let's just say my pride and confidence have taken a beating. I'm sorry I'm a bit random today, my brain is a jumping bean at the moment. Sigh...

Sad...

I'm currently working with my wife at her company. I enjoy the work for the most part but I feel a much bigger sense of responsibility and pressure than I have working in any other environment. I feel like my shortcomings are a much bigger liability here than anywhere else I've worked. I don't know if that's because I lean on her in our personal life and though I try hard not to transfer that to work I probably do. I didn't make a phone call for her today, not because I didn't have time or anything but because I was scared. It makes me sick to say that but I have to be honest with myself about it. So much was riding on that phone call and I couldn't stomach the possibility that I would screw it up. I know I let her down. I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry. Sigh...

Yippee!!

I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)

Very cool :-)

My sweet cuz has given me a Versatile Blogger award! She and I are similar in that regard, we do not fall into a specific category of blogs - we just write what we feel and who we are. Randomness and all. Apparently I'm supposed to tell you all 7 things about me that you don't know, which until now didn't seem that difficult but faced with it I'm drawing a blank. Okay...here goes...

1. I spent my formative years as a preacher's kid. My Dad was in Seminary while I was a kid and was assigned to several churches before he decided it just wasn't his calling when I was about 8. It was both an interesting and difficult way to grow up, you had certain advantages but a great deal of pressure to act a certain way as well.

2. I was on a horse before I could walk. My Mom is a horse person to put it mildly. She had me up on her horse in front of her when I was about a year old and I pretty much stayed there most of my childhood. I drifted away from it in my teen years, at least the riding part - I still love horses and need them in my life to feel whole but right now I'm to heavy to feel comfortable up in the saddle anymore.

3. I LOVE music and dance. Music wise I am all over the place - I love everything from metal to classical and from rap to folk. I'm always surprising people with my taste in music - I don't exactly look like a metal head LOL. I also love dance, ballet is my first love but So You Think You Can Dance has opened me up to other styles. Not that I can dance but I love watching other people do it :-)

4. I'm a closet singer. I've been singing since I was a kid in the church children's choir and then in high school I was in chorus. I still sing in the car - at least when I'm alone. I don't feel confident enough in my voice to sing with other people around other than my wife (she loves me warts and all) although I've been trying to do it more lately. I've always had people around me that were better than me, first my Mom and now GE, so I've always felt safer singing alone even though I know they would never judge me.

5. One of my absolute favorite things is to cook. I was mainly taught by my Geba (so named by me at the age of one, I was her first grand baby and all subsequent grandchildren kept the name) but also some by my Mom. Everything else is self taught and learned from the old PBS cooking shows in the 80's - The Frugal Gourmet, Cooking Live, Yan Can Cook, Julia Child and more recently The Naked Chef and Good Eats. Yes, I'm a food whore LOL

6. One of my other absolute favorite things to do is travel. I could easily live off room service - now I am picky about where I stay though. It has to be a nice hotel - no less than 3 stars preferably 4-5. Now if my budget could follow that necessity I would be very happy. Some of my favorite places so far have been Scotland, Ireland & England, The Southern Cross Club on Little Cayman Island (a true treat if you can manage it) & Disney World. I'm a Disney freak if you must know.

7. Okay, 6 good things...now I must be honest about a small flaw in my personality. I have an issue with completing projects. For example, I love to crochet and needlepoint - I have a baby blanket that I started when my wife's cousin was being born...she's now 9 and it's still not done. I have another afghan that I started in the mid 90's that will hopefully eventually be a king size blanket but is currently still only about 2 feet in height. My needlepoint project I started before my uncle died (he got me into needlepoint and it's been hard to get back to it since his death) several years ago. I also have the problem in my writing, the original 4 chapters of my book I wrote back in 2001 and the book still isn't done. There are many other examples, none of which make me proud but I have to accept them, learn from them and move on. I'm actively trying to turn this behavior around - one day I'll have a closet full of blankets and a published book :-)

Whew...that's it folks. I hope you learned a little about me, got a little entertainment out of it and will hopefully continue to follow my little blog.
Thanks for reading!