Being sick sucks :(

Just poking my head in to say hi and then crawling back into bed and praying this cold goes the hell away. I've been sick since Saturday, waaaaahhhhh. Yep, full on self pity mode. It's sucking all the motivation and creativity out of me and leaving a blob in it's place that just wants sleep and eat. Sooo productive. NOT.

Calgon take me away!

I need a vacation. I don't mean the kind where you run around sightseeing and shit I mean the hole up in a hotel room for 4 days and sleep kind. I need to be in a different city for a minute, I haven't left Atlanta for an actual vacation (weddings definitely don't count) since 2008. Yep, 4 freakin years. I'm tired. My batteries are on the fritz. I love my work but it's kind of all consuming, I've never had a baby but I would imagine that it's somewhat similar (minus the blinding pain that is). You spend your time carefully baking the cake so to speak, putting everything you are into making sure it's ok and then in one whirlwind week you finalize and export your project and pray the world is gentle with it. Then you're left kind of gutted. Your baby is born and in my case now in the hands of its real parents (i.e. the director LOL) and you're left kind of wandering around missing it and yet so freakin relieved that it's gone it's not even funny. Very at odds with yourself and the world, which you have completely neglected during the process and now have to reintegrate into. I'm working on roughly 3 hours sleep so if I haven't mentioned in my prior post I'm a video editor, a baby one still trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing, but making my way nonetheless. I'm not one of those people that can separate themselves from their work, whether I was on set or not, helped write it or not, or even whether I've even met the cast/crew, etc. I care. I want the baby to bake up to a pretty and delectable cake - hmmm..maybe I need cake. Oooh. Cake. Yeah, did I mention I need a vacation? Sigh......

Where to begin

I feel a stranger in my own blog. I've gone through so much since my last post that I can't even imagine how to update you all. I've decided not to try. There's so many terrible things and great things that it would take another year to try and say it all. I will just say this...I've been to hell and back and I'm a better person for it. To give you an idea of how bad, I haven't written a word (either here or my novel) in almost 2 years. I lost my voice. I lost my desire to have a voice. Depression? Probably. Growth? Definitely. I'm finally seeing the light and feeling the light and learning to hope again. I can't guarantee I'll be here everyday but I can say that I actually WANT to now and that's huge. A few random (and I do mean random) vents to keep you entertained until I poke my head up again: WHY, if you are standing 3 feet from me do you put your item on the shelf instead of handing it to me to put back? I'm RIGHT HERE. Please don't return something if you've eaten part of it, that's gross. I don't care if it will save you three whole dollars, you took that risk when you bought it. Attention all camera operators and film makers!!! NO we CAN'T fix it all in Post! Oh and keep the damn camera still please. And please STOP changing your camera settings during a LIVE scene - I can't use it if you do that...grrrrr.

What is the damn deal...

Why is it when I want to write I am nowhere near a computer or pen and paper bigger than a fucking post it note but when I have absolutely NO desire to write I have everything at my finger tips and feel really really really guilty for not wanting to write. Whew - how's that for a run-on sentence! LOL...anyway...
I did finally finish the "outline" for the book - I use quotation marks because it's not a traditional outline that you learned in English class. I guess it would be more of a timeline than an actual outline but I've finally figured out where I'm headed with the story so I'm happy. I now have to decide what the final twist will be, I really want that feeling that the world just dropped out from under you when you read the last chapter. I think that will come as I write the rest - I just have to keep an eye out for it in my head as I play with it.
Now to the confession part of this stupid post...I haven't actually written anything other than the timeline in months. There I've said it. Now, what to do about that? I need a deadline but I have to have a consequence if I fail the deadline...any ideas?

Guns

I live in the middle of the bible belt, in a red state, and expressing my opinions regarding my views on guns is usually unappreciated by the members of some of my circle. I respect everyone's opinion and their ability to defend it, unfortunately most gun people don't return that same respect. I feel, from my brightest light to my darkest depths, that guns bring out the inherant evil of the human soul. My friend, which has sparked this particular post, has argued that it's the person that kills, not the gun. Her utterly absurd point was that "pencils sign death warrants", "cars drive drunk", and "spoons kill fat people" - I mean seriously? Pencils, cars and spoons weren't specifically designed to create death and destruction, whether or not it is possible to use them that way is irrelevent! We can take anything to the extreme to make our argument seem valid but it doesn't make it right. I exercised tolerance and simply agreed to disagree with her rather than argue my point but I must vent somewhere. I completely agree that we must exercise personal responsibility, it is essential in all aspects of life, HOWEVER I don't feel that we as a species are equipped to handle the responsiblity of guns. I don't believe that anyone has the right to hold a gun, guns aren't a right, free speech is a right - the ability to kill someone or something is NOT. I would love to see every single gun, from the smallest .22 to the largest whatchamacalit attached to a Navy warship, melted down to scrap metal and turned into something useful. A truly civilized species does not require it's citizens to carry weapons. I'm sorry but I just don't see how the ability to send a projectile into flesh and destroy it anything to strive for. You may call me naive, I call myself evolved.

Holiday musings and maybe a few rants...

Well, I made it through Christmas. It wasn't that bad, just not as enjoyable as it used to be. The company was great and the food was great, I loved everything I got - it's not anything I can pinpoint other than missing traditions that died with the people that I made them with. I realized you can't force past traditions on new people, even if they are family, and it's hard not to get angry even if it's really really irrational LOL. One nice thing has started to happen though, time seems to be slowing down a bit - I can only hope and pray that's a trend for the coming year. I would love to come to this time next year and say FINALLY, IT TOOK SO LONG! I want to savor each moment, each experience and be able to remember what I did yesterday because it was memorable and not just another day. I tried so hard to do that this year and the deck seemed to be stacked against me. I'm not the only one either, everyone I've talked to has said that this year went by REALLY fast and REALLY SUCKED. The new year that is approaching I feel will be a welcome relief from the waning year of 2010.
Off topic rant: If you aren't going to do your job properly then don't blame me when I go behind you and it's impossible to do my job which in turn makes other parts of your job difficult. Shit rolls down hill and it's just karma if the shit that hits you in the face is YOURS!

See what I mean!

My last post was on the 1st and now here I sit looking at the date and it's the fucking 8th! How the HELL did that happen?!? I have absolutely no clue. It's frustrating to feel like you're loosing so much time! It's not like I black out or anything it's just that the days run together so fast that I feel like I'm barreling out of control in some unknown direction. I spend so much time worrying about what needs to get done or might be coming around the corner to get me that I just keep my head down and keep moving - obviously that's the answer to the "where did the time go" question...I do feel like at some point we will get out of this financial situation and into a very bright and happy future - I just hope and pray we get there before we lose everything. There has to be a lesson somewhere in all this chaos, it's just slowing the scenery down enough to pick out the details. I know I should probably be meditating but I can't sit still that long - too many monsters in the closet so to speak.
One good thing today though, we finished the football (unpaid job, ugh) video and will be handing it over on Friday :-) It looks fantastic, especially when you consider how crappy the footage we were given to work with! I really think the parents will be blown away and maybe we can get into their booster budget next year and actually get paid for it next time. We are at least putting our name and logo in the credits so maybe we'll get some free advertising out of it - you never know who might be the parents of one of these kids (fingers crossed!!). The sitcom project is going to have to be reshot but the upside is the writer has asked my wife to direct!! So exciting! If we can get this show picked up by a network...finger's so very crossed!!!!!
I've gotten a little more content editing done on the book - focus on the word little LOL. Perhaps I'll do some of that now - night all :-)

Two posts in one day!

Nobody faint - two posts in one day is almost unheard of for me but apparently I have a lot to say today. I've been going back through my posts to add labels (sadly didn't even know what they were until recently LOL) so maybe I can increase my follow a bit and I realized something. I've been a little boring lately. My posts are getting as lost as I feel lately and that is not good reading so I must apologize to my dear readers! I will attempt an update on some of the more interesting things in my life right now...
I'm still working with my wife at her company, with the economy it's been a struggle financially but I enjoy the work. We're shifting direction to the more creative side because A/V integration has apparently tanked in this market right now - even our more established competition is cutting staff and having a hard time so it's not just us. My wife is the queen of networking and finding the right people and we're slowly starting to infiltrate the film business outskirts. We have several video editing projects going right now, sadly none of them are paid but we're trying to get a demo reel up on the website and start a name for ourselves in the post production industry. We probably should have given up on the integration a little sooner but life is a series of lessons and I guess that one was one we needed to learn the hard way.
The band (I don't remember if I updated in the blog but my darling cousin decided to create a band with her musicians) is on holiday hiatus right now and I'm missing it terribly. I'm in withdrawal LOL - for so many months we were focused on the music and we've gone cold turkey (of course part of that was due to the exodus of our drummer). Hopefully with our great guitarist (yes he's that good) and a new drummer on the horizon (finger's crossed they gel because they're both awesome) things will pick back up on that front.
The book is going well, if a bit slowly. I'm content editing right now and trying to work out the direction I want to go with the ending. I know the feel I want so it's just a matter of nailing it down. I have a short story that my wife let some people read (before I'd edited it so I got picked on for grammar and punctuation which I'm not good at anyway, ugh!) and they like it and want to help get a script done for it and do a film shoot - no/low budget to see if it will get picked up - which is exciting and daunting at the same time.
Ok, I think that's it for now - hopefully this is slightly more entertaining than my previous whining and I promise to do better!

Does anyone know how...

to slow life down a little? Any advice? Anyone? Hello...? These days I wake up one day on Monday and the next day I wake up and it's Friday, where the hell did the week go?!? I know the days existed only because I'm freakin' tired. It's really quite irritating because there are things I want to get done but I'm at one job or the other or both most days and when I'm home I lapse into couch potato mode. I can't be irritated at anyone but myself for the couch potatoing, this I know, but it sneaks up on me! I innocently sit down for just a minute to wind down from the day and then 3 hours later I've accomplished nothing except watching TV when I could be writing, crocheting, yardwork, gardening or planning my holiday gift list, etc. I can forgive myself the days that I work both jobs because I don't tend to get home until after 11pm and any iota of energy I had to get things done is gone completely. The days when I only have my day job to go to I don't have any excuse at all except perhaps laziness. I never considered myself lazy but looking back I haven't really accomplished anything big yet, although I did finally finish that baby afghan LOL. Some people would consider a career track an accomplishment and if you're a doctor then I would agree but as an admin assistant turned mortgage processor turned admin assistant I tend to think of it more as a necessity than an accomplishment. Ugh, you know what, I'm sick of the self analyzing. This is boring. Subject change!!
Thanksgiving was actually pretty great even though I was a little upset originally about everyone else going their own way. It was just me, the wife and my parents and really yummy food, it was a nice relaxing day. My Mom grazed all day which is so funny because she eats practically nothing at home. Now on to Christmas! If I can manage to afford the gifts I need without going hungry I will consider it a success - how sad is that.

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've been in blog land but life has been a little too complicated to put out there lately. Update on the last post; I have lost approximately 13 pounds which is great but have been falling off the wagon a bit lately - I haven't gained anything back though so I'm hopeful to get back on track after the holiday.
I miss the innocent bliss of the holiday season of my youth. The older I get the more things creep in to make this time of year an emotional mine field. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and skip all festivities completely and part of me is still striving to get back the feeling I had even just a few years ago - hell even last year was at least pleasant and sadly that too has been lost due to events of the past year. None of which will be discussed here to preserve the feelings and dignity of the people I love. I just have to accept the fact that I may never get back the total enjoyment of the holidays and right now I'm in mourning over that fact. This year for some reason I'm especially missing my Uncle Jim for Thanksgiving and my Geba (grandmother, hey I was 1 and that was what I came up with LOL) for Christmas even though they've both been gone for a while now. Sigh...
On lighter notes, I have been writing some lately, trying to edit down the 16 chapters I have so far and see if I can find my way to the end of the story. I'm also potentially going to be doing a short film of my short story "Escape" which is really exciting! It's so weird to think of myself doing a movie LOL! It really brings to light for me just how mundane the movie business is and how ridiculous our idolization of actors and film makers is. Random thought I know ;-)
I will do my best to keep up with my blog better but as you know the best intentions are often led astray.

One day at a time

No, not the TV show LOL. It's the attitude I've had to adopt wholeheartedly recently. I have to give thanks each day that I still have a house, a car and food to eat and realize that each day is precious regardless of how scary things are. I also have started a new diet - one that I have witnessed results from other people that have done it. I'm always good at starting the diet, it's about a month into it where I start to loose focus that I have to step back and remember the mantra...one day at a time. I've also had to accept the fact that I have an addiction to food. This was a hard realization and one that I had denied for so long. I always used the excuse that I'm a "foodie", I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my yummy dinners out taken away by the diet monster. I came to realize how big of an excuse it really was - Chick-fil-A is not frickin' fine dining here people and that's the type of thing I was typically eating. I can only hope that these realizations will stick with me through the coming months and this time it will work.

Time

Time is one of those things that both sneaks up on you and hits you in the head with a two by four alternatively. Lately it's been doing both to me. So much has happened over the past month or so since I've posted that I can't even begin to go into nor do I particularly want to relive any of it. Suffice to say it's been a difficult time that I only recently have felt like I'm coming out of. I am now in a financial situation that I know I will emerge from but being stuck in it sucks...I could really use $200K if anyone has it to spare! ;-) The other side effect of all this emotional crap is that I have been completely unable to write. It's as if my brain was disconnected from my hands - the conduit shut down completely. Luckily that seems to be slowly mending as well, whew! Now all I have to do is reconnect with my body - I've let myself get back to my highest weight and I feel like crap, another reason the writing has been a problem. It's harder for me to write if I feel yucky - I know for some people that's inspiration but for me it's like trying to see through a dirty window. I hate feeling this way because I know if I just try it will get better so quickly but the thought of actually trying makes me want to cry because I feel so crappy - the ultimate catch 22. Okay, enough whining for one day...

Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.

Nope...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, just been a tad busy lately. It's easy to get lost in the flow with so much going on - work, band rehearsals, open mic nights, etc. It's a very different life than I used to have, before all this going out on a weeknight was almost unheard of so my sedentary life has gotten a bit of a kick in the pants. I'm not complaining, it's just sometimes hard to wrap my brain around all of the things that are happening. We (and by we I mean my entire house) are embarking on a new lifestyle that includes improved diet and daily exercise, yet another thing to adjust to...YAY (insert dripping sarcasm here). I know it has to be done, I'm back up to a new highest weight of 242 (ouch that hurt to type) so if I want to enjoy my life I have to start living it and not burying myself under mounds of fat. I've also made a recent discovery that playing guitar is HARD and it hurts too. I've wanted to play an instrument my whole life and a piano is a bit cumbersome so I thought this would be a great idea. So far let's just say my pride and confidence have taken a beating. I'm sorry I'm a bit random today, my brain is a jumping bean at the moment. Sigh...

Sad...

I'm currently working with my wife at her company. I enjoy the work for the most part but I feel a much bigger sense of responsibility and pressure than I have working in any other environment. I feel like my shortcomings are a much bigger liability here than anywhere else I've worked. I don't know if that's because I lean on her in our personal life and though I try hard not to transfer that to work I probably do. I didn't make a phone call for her today, not because I didn't have time or anything but because I was scared. It makes me sick to say that but I have to be honest with myself about it. So much was riding on that phone call and I couldn't stomach the possibility that I would screw it up. I know I let her down. I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry. Sigh...

Yippee!!

I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)

Very cool :-)

My sweet cuz has given me a Versatile Blogger award! She and I are similar in that regard, we do not fall into a specific category of blogs - we just write what we feel and who we are. Randomness and all. Apparently I'm supposed to tell you all 7 things about me that you don't know, which until now didn't seem that difficult but faced with it I'm drawing a blank. Okay...here goes...

1. I spent my formative years as a preacher's kid. My Dad was in Seminary while I was a kid and was assigned to several churches before he decided it just wasn't his calling when I was about 8. It was both an interesting and difficult way to grow up, you had certain advantages but a great deal of pressure to act a certain way as well.

2. I was on a horse before I could walk. My Mom is a horse person to put it mildly. She had me up on her horse in front of her when I was about a year old and I pretty much stayed there most of my childhood. I drifted away from it in my teen years, at least the riding part - I still love horses and need them in my life to feel whole but right now I'm to heavy to feel comfortable up in the saddle anymore.

3. I LOVE music and dance. Music wise I am all over the place - I love everything from metal to classical and from rap to folk. I'm always surprising people with my taste in music - I don't exactly look like a metal head LOL. I also love dance, ballet is my first love but So You Think You Can Dance has opened me up to other styles. Not that I can dance but I love watching other people do it :-)

4. I'm a closet singer. I've been singing since I was a kid in the church children's choir and then in high school I was in chorus. I still sing in the car - at least when I'm alone. I don't feel confident enough in my voice to sing with other people around other than my wife (she loves me warts and all) although I've been trying to do it more lately. I've always had people around me that were better than me, first my Mom and now GE, so I've always felt safer singing alone even though I know they would never judge me.

5. One of my absolute favorite things is to cook. I was mainly taught by my Geba (so named by me at the age of one, I was her first grand baby and all subsequent grandchildren kept the name) but also some by my Mom. Everything else is self taught and learned from the old PBS cooking shows in the 80's - The Frugal Gourmet, Cooking Live, Yan Can Cook, Julia Child and more recently The Naked Chef and Good Eats. Yes, I'm a food whore LOL

6. One of my other absolute favorite things to do is travel. I could easily live off room service - now I am picky about where I stay though. It has to be a nice hotel - no less than 3 stars preferably 4-5. Now if my budget could follow that necessity I would be very happy. Some of my favorite places so far have been Scotland, Ireland & England, The Southern Cross Club on Little Cayman Island (a true treat if you can manage it) & Disney World. I'm a Disney freak if you must know.

7. Okay, 6 good things...now I must be honest about a small flaw in my personality. I have an issue with completing projects. For example, I love to crochet and needlepoint - I have a baby blanket that I started when my wife's cousin was being born...she's now 9 and it's still not done. I have another afghan that I started in the mid 90's that will hopefully eventually be a king size blanket but is currently still only about 2 feet in height. My needlepoint project I started before my uncle died (he got me into needlepoint and it's been hard to get back to it since his death) several years ago. I also have the problem in my writing, the original 4 chapters of my book I wrote back in 2001 and the book still isn't done. There are many other examples, none of which make me proud but I have to accept them, learn from them and move on. I'm actively trying to turn this behavior around - one day I'll have a closet full of blankets and a published book :-)

Whew...that's it folks. I hope you learned a little about me, got a little entertainment out of it and will hopefully continue to follow my little blog.
Thanks for reading!

Why oh Why

I ate Varsity for lunch. Some of you may not have a clue what I'm talking about, in fact most of you won't. You have to pretty much be from Atlanta to be in the know. The original Varsity is down the street from GA Tech and they are a landmark here. They still have a drive in down there with waiters on roller skates! There are also several Varsity Jr.'s around town which is what we went to today. I always forget how I'm going to feel afterwards because I go so infrequently. Don't get me wrong, the food is very yummy but it's so heavy and greasy and I always end up feeling like a big slug afterwards. Well actually for the 1st couple of hours it just wages war in my tummy, then the slug appears after that and I feel like I'm carrying about 50 extra pounds and someone slipped me some Valium..LOL! That's where I'm at right now - blearily typing away trying to stay awake and out of the bathroom. I know you are all thanking me right now for that image ;-)

Zombie Land

Well folks it's not pretty but this is the aftermath of a our long weekend. We all pretty much look like this - those of us who are actually awake LOL - I was just the only one brave enough (or is that stupid enough) to fall on the sword and show you.

It’s 10:30am on a sleepy Atlanta Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a warehouse rehearsal space with the wife, the artist and our family waiting on musicians for the band auditions. We are all currently praying that the turnout today is better than yesterday. This shouldn't be too difficult…we had one guy come yesterday. Not to say yesterday wasn’t fun, GE got a lot of rehearsal time in with a stage, lights and microphone – it was so cool watching her up there, she’s like a little sun that everyone revolves happily around. We are all a little bleary eyed this morning though so I’m hoping a little more excitement in the way of great musicians comes our way today. More later as things progress 
Well after a loooooong morning we finally got some action around 4pm – a drummer and a guitarist! Two different people, not all in one LOL. Nice guys and very talented. We’re all kinda dragging so it was nice to have some energy infused. The 6pm appt is here now which should help too 
Sigh…it’s now 6:46pm and I’m really tired of listening to this guy and his negative know it all crap. Yes he’s talented but if I hear him say MONEY one more time I may have to kill him. Of course we want to make money but if you put the music first the money will come – now shut the hell up dude, you sound like an ass.
Yikes – it’s 10:15pm and we’re still here. It’s a good thing though, the last guy to come in is a drummer and we had to wait for him to go get his kit – it was worth the wait  We’ve called back our fave guitarist and we’re currently waiting on him to get here so they can jam together and see if there’s a good vibe. I’m going slightly deaf…okay so more than slightly! The drummer is awesome if a bit quiet, he seems a little shy despite our efforts to get him to break a smile.
Yay – the guitar guy is back and setting up – it’s about 10:30pm now – we’re all tired and really punchy which is hilarious because we’re laughing at the dumbest shit LOL! Guitar guy is still setting up – his poor girlfriend that got pulled out of the shower by our request for a call back is I’m sure wondering who this insane crowd of people is. Lordie my brain is mush right now – I just spent a good couple minutes with my fingers hovering over the keys forgetting how to form words. Oh well, at least I’m still having fun!
11:45pm. Still here. 13 and a half hours. Great music. Great vibe. No make that amazing. Some kinks but time will heal all. Very tired and ready to go to bed.