Happy Birthday to ME, LOL

Yes, it is my birthday and no I'm not telling how old I am. Doesn't make much difference anyway, I still feel 20 something :) A lot has been going on in regards to my church life and those relationships that spill over into the personal, I've been struggling with how best to handle the situation and I just got a big shove in the right direction. That Universal 2x4 comes in so many different ways, sometimes mundane and sometimes with a healthy dose of hocus pocus thrown in. That was my case today, I got a free birthday reading from tarot.com, I've been getting their daily horoscopes for years now most of which I ignore because they aren't always on target for me personally. It was a Celtic Cross spread which is one of my favorites, I don't often work tarot but when I do that's what I use, I've found that tarot is not something you want to do very often because it can confuse you if you aren't clear on what you're asking. For those of you who don't believe in that sort of thing that's fine, tarot for me is a way to connect to my subconscious, that part of me that doesn't always come out to play when I need it to or when I'm stupid enough not to listen normally (i.e. to trust myself). I digress. I asked for guidance in regards to the church/friend situation and the answers were clear and empowering, I know what I have to do (though it will be most difficult). I will have to, at least for now, sever the relationship. I can't allow the behavior I've witnessed to go unnoticed and unanswered, I know what I need to know and no matter how much convincing from their side is going to make the actions okay. I still love them, probably always will, but as my favorite aunt always says "when you turn the sound down and watch their actions you'll see the truth". What I find most annoying (this is the rant section in case you're wondering) is that they are accusing our church elders of unethical behavior, something I know to be untrue, and since the split we've come to see that it is in fact their behavior that is unethical - a liar can't believe anyone else. I know they will defend themselves and try to show proof they don't have and normally I would subject myself to that out of a sense of duty or loyalty or whatever but this time I can't. I know my path and where the truth lies and I just don't care anymore to hear the drama and bullshit. Heavy stuff for a birthday :/

Where to begin

I feel a stranger in my own blog. I've gone through so much since my last post that I can't even imagine how to update you all. I've decided not to try. There's so many terrible things and great things that it would take another year to try and say it all. I will just say this...I've been to hell and back and I'm a better person for it. To give you an idea of how bad, I haven't written a word (either here or my novel) in almost 2 years. I lost my voice. I lost my desire to have a voice. Depression? Probably. Growth? Definitely. I'm finally seeing the light and feeling the light and learning to hope again. I can't guarantee I'll be here everyday but I can say that I actually WANT to now and that's huge. A few random (and I do mean random) vents to keep you entertained until I poke my head up again: WHY, if you are standing 3 feet from me do you put your item on the shelf instead of handing it to me to put back? I'm RIGHT HERE. Please don't return something if you've eaten part of it, that's gross. I don't care if it will save you three whole dollars, you took that risk when you bought it. Attention all camera operators and film makers!!! NO we CAN'T fix it all in Post! Oh and keep the damn camera still please. And please STOP changing your camera settings during a LIVE scene - I can't use it if you do that...grrrrr.

Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.