Happy Birthday to ME, LOL

Yes, it is my birthday and no I'm not telling how old I am. Doesn't make much difference anyway, I still feel 20 something :) A lot has been going on in regards to my church life and those relationships that spill over into the personal, I've been struggling with how best to handle the situation and I just got a big shove in the right direction. That Universal 2x4 comes in so many different ways, sometimes mundane and sometimes with a healthy dose of hocus pocus thrown in. That was my case today, I got a free birthday reading from tarot.com, I've been getting their daily horoscopes for years now most of which I ignore because they aren't always on target for me personally. It was a Celtic Cross spread which is one of my favorites, I don't often work tarot but when I do that's what I use, I've found that tarot is not something you want to do very often because it can confuse you if you aren't clear on what you're asking. For those of you who don't believe in that sort of thing that's fine, tarot for me is a way to connect to my subconscious, that part of me that doesn't always come out to play when I need it to or when I'm stupid enough not to listen normally (i.e. to trust myself). I digress. I asked for guidance in regards to the church/friend situation and the answers were clear and empowering, I know what I have to do (though it will be most difficult). I will have to, at least for now, sever the relationship. I can't allow the behavior I've witnessed to go unnoticed and unanswered, I know what I need to know and no matter how much convincing from their side is going to make the actions okay. I still love them, probably always will, but as my favorite aunt always says "when you turn the sound down and watch their actions you'll see the truth". What I find most annoying (this is the rant section in case you're wondering) is that they are accusing our church elders of unethical behavior, something I know to be untrue, and since the split we've come to see that it is in fact their behavior that is unethical - a liar can't believe anyone else. I know they will defend themselves and try to show proof they don't have and normally I would subject myself to that out of a sense of duty or loyalty or whatever but this time I can't. I know my path and where the truth lies and I just don't care anymore to hear the drama and bullshit. Heavy stuff for a birthday :/

Being Fat

I am constantly made aware anytime I read and article about weight loss that most people think fat people are lazy. Well I think most people are jerks and sadly I keep getting that judgment reaffirmed as accurate. Maybe the jerks are right though but it has to go beyond laziness, I don't consider myself super lazy (but I will be the first to say I'm not super motivated either) and all being called lazy does for me is to make me hurt. What good does that do? It just seems horribly judgmental and unhelpful to assume that if you're overweight your lazy or gross. It pisses me off. Let's examine your lives before you start throwing around judgment, I'm pretty sure there's something in your closets you wouldn't want exposed. I've been truly fat since my mid twenties but I was told I was fat all through high school by all the boys that I went to school with (at least if felt that way), I would actually get ambushed in the hallways and teased about it. I was all of size 14 when I graduated high school. That's not fat. It's not super model size but Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and she was a sex symbol. I was too young and stupid to realize that either they liked me and were trying to get my attention or they didn't like me and were trying to hurt me but regardless they weren't being honest. I let that eat away at me for years and went from a 14 to 22 throughout my 20s and most of my 30s. I'm trying to take back my body and it's an ongoing and uphill process because it's as much about reprogramming my mind as it is about losing the weight. I will succeed. This time I win. Love each other like there's no tomorrow. HM

New Look!

I've been absent from blog land so long I just needed a change. The woman I was when I started this blog just isn't the same person I am today. The past few years have brought about both great joy and great sorrow and many mountains to climb, I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be but it hasn't come cheap. I couldn't bring myself to delete the blog though, it felt too permanent so I decided a makeover was in order. The picture I used for my header is actually one I took at the State Botanical Garden in Athens, GA, even in winter that place is amazing although I did cheat and use a template for the rest LOL. I've been longing to come back to my blog but I realized a hard truth about myself. I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I've always told other people that they have to be honest, completely honest, or they're doing themselves a disservice. I realized I was doing the exact opposite. Not in every way but definitely here, I felt like I couldn't be honest for fear of hurting people I know who read my blog. I guess I was scared that if I said something they didn't like I would lose them but in the end if I can't be honest about my feelings then the relationship is a lie anyway and I'm not losing anything I didn't have. I can no longer worry about that, if I need to vent then that is what I'm going to do. If I don't I will explode and that won't be productive (or pretty) for anyone. A quick update for everyone (or no one since I doubt anyone is still actually reading this LOL) - I'm working now solely as a writer and video editor, sadly unpaid up to now which I'm hoping to remedy soon as our name is starting to get out there. I still have a ton to learn but I'm finally enjoying what I do after almost 20 years in the work force. The wife is working a mundane job that she utterly hates but it pays the bills and we're finally getting caught back up from the hole we've been in for quite some time which helps a little with the hatred. My sweet cuz G has moved on from the music industry, at least for now, she's married and living up north and enjoying life for a while. I truly hope she decides to do something, even if it's just self release an album, she has a gift and it's such a waste to not give it to the world. The process of her changing course was not a happy or pretty one for any of us involved but thankfully we have all been able to forgive and come back together. I still ache sometimes when I hear one of her tracks or run across one of the many pics I took during that time, there was such magic there. Ok, I'm going to move on before I start crying. Geez, I'm such a wimp! LOL I hope to be in here daily, just to get back into the habit of writing daily since the video stuff has taken over lately but I know myself and I tend to get swept up into life and forget to blog. Judge less, forgive easily (including yourself!) and love so hard it hurts. HM

Where to begin

I feel a stranger in my own blog. I've gone through so much since my last post that I can't even imagine how to update you all. I've decided not to try. There's so many terrible things and great things that it would take another year to try and say it all. I will just say this...I've been to hell and back and I'm a better person for it. To give you an idea of how bad, I haven't written a word (either here or my novel) in almost 2 years. I lost my voice. I lost my desire to have a voice. Depression? Probably. Growth? Definitely. I'm finally seeing the light and feeling the light and learning to hope again. I can't guarantee I'll be here everyday but I can say that I actually WANT to now and that's huge. A few random (and I do mean random) vents to keep you entertained until I poke my head up again: WHY, if you are standing 3 feet from me do you put your item on the shelf instead of handing it to me to put back? I'm RIGHT HERE. Please don't return something if you've eaten part of it, that's gross. I don't care if it will save you three whole dollars, you took that risk when you bought it. Attention all camera operators and film makers!!! NO we CAN'T fix it all in Post! Oh and keep the damn camera still please. And please STOP changing your camera settings during a LIVE scene - I can't use it if you do that...grrrrr.

Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.