Great weekend :)

Had a great weekend with the fam, too much food and a little too much wine but a great time had by all. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming; work, eat, sleep, repeat... YAY....NOT... Anyway, I digress. I finally reached my 10% weightloss goal at Weight Watchers :) I've been dancing with that goal for the better part of a lifetime and I've finally reached it. There are so many contributing factors as to why it's worked this time and why I think I will actually be successful it getting it all off this time. My head is in the game this time. I've discovered that it's easy to lose weight, it's just not easy to fight years of programming, self esteem issues and possibly past traumas. I'm in such a good place right now I feel like I could take over the world! Now to funnel all that into my book and getting it published...

Repetitive

Ok, so I've been going back and reading some of my more recent posts and I've realized how repetitive I'm sounding. I promise to do better! I think the updates are more to get myself back on track. I've been doing this with my novel too. I got back into it recently after a large video project completed and I actually had time again. I found myself retelling a story I'd told 2 chapters previously, it's like I've been absent for so long I've forgotten where to fit back in. The sad part was I liked what I'd written before better than the repeat. Hopefully I will get my ass in gear and get back on horse so to speak!

New Look!

I've been absent from blog land so long I just needed a change. The woman I was when I started this blog just isn't the same person I am today. The past few years have brought about both great joy and great sorrow and many mountains to climb, I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be but it hasn't come cheap. I couldn't bring myself to delete the blog though, it felt too permanent so I decided a makeover was in order. The picture I used for my header is actually one I took at the State Botanical Garden in Athens, GA, even in winter that place is amazing although I did cheat and use a template for the rest LOL. I've been longing to come back to my blog but I realized a hard truth about myself. I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I've always told other people that they have to be honest, completely honest, or they're doing themselves a disservice. I realized I was doing the exact opposite. Not in every way but definitely here, I felt like I couldn't be honest for fear of hurting people I know who read my blog. I guess I was scared that if I said something they didn't like I would lose them but in the end if I can't be honest about my feelings then the relationship is a lie anyway and I'm not losing anything I didn't have. I can no longer worry about that, if I need to vent then that is what I'm going to do. If I don't I will explode and that won't be productive (or pretty) for anyone. A quick update for everyone (or no one since I doubt anyone is still actually reading this LOL) - I'm working now solely as a writer and video editor, sadly unpaid up to now which I'm hoping to remedy soon as our name is starting to get out there. I still have a ton to learn but I'm finally enjoying what I do after almost 20 years in the work force. The wife is working a mundane job that she utterly hates but it pays the bills and we're finally getting caught back up from the hole we've been in for quite some time which helps a little with the hatred. My sweet cuz G has moved on from the music industry, at least for now, she's married and living up north and enjoying life for a while. I truly hope she decides to do something, even if it's just self release an album, she has a gift and it's such a waste to not give it to the world. The process of her changing course was not a happy or pretty one for any of us involved but thankfully we have all been able to forgive and come back together. I still ache sometimes when I hear one of her tracks or run across one of the many pics I took during that time, there was such magic there. Ok, I'm going to move on before I start crying. Geez, I'm such a wimp! LOL I hope to be in here daily, just to get back into the habit of writing daily since the video stuff has taken over lately but I know myself and I tend to get swept up into life and forget to blog. Judge less, forgive easily (including yourself!) and love so hard it hurts. HM

What is the damn deal...

Why is it when I want to write I am nowhere near a computer or pen and paper bigger than a fucking post it note but when I have absolutely NO desire to write I have everything at my finger tips and feel really really really guilty for not wanting to write. Whew - how's that for a run-on sentence! LOL...anyway...
I did finally finish the "outline" for the book - I use quotation marks because it's not a traditional outline that you learned in English class. I guess it would be more of a timeline than an actual outline but I've finally figured out where I'm headed with the story so I'm happy. I now have to decide what the final twist will be, I really want that feeling that the world just dropped out from under you when you read the last chapter. I think that will come as I write the rest - I just have to keep an eye out for it in my head as I play with it.
Now to the confession part of this stupid post...I haven't actually written anything other than the timeline in months. There I've said it. Now, what to do about that? I need a deadline but I have to have a consequence if I fail the deadline...any ideas?

Two posts in one day!

Nobody faint - two posts in one day is almost unheard of for me but apparently I have a lot to say today. I've been going back through my posts to add labels (sadly didn't even know what they were until recently LOL) so maybe I can increase my follow a bit and I realized something. I've been a little boring lately. My posts are getting as lost as I feel lately and that is not good reading so I must apologize to my dear readers! I will attempt an update on some of the more interesting things in my life right now...
I'm still working with my wife at her company, with the economy it's been a struggle financially but I enjoy the work. We're shifting direction to the more creative side because A/V integration has apparently tanked in this market right now - even our more established competition is cutting staff and having a hard time so it's not just us. My wife is the queen of networking and finding the right people and we're slowly starting to infiltrate the film business outskirts. We have several video editing projects going right now, sadly none of them are paid but we're trying to get a demo reel up on the website and start a name for ourselves in the post production industry. We probably should have given up on the integration a little sooner but life is a series of lessons and I guess that one was one we needed to learn the hard way.
The band (I don't remember if I updated in the blog but my darling cousin decided to create a band with her musicians) is on holiday hiatus right now and I'm missing it terribly. I'm in withdrawal LOL - for so many months we were focused on the music and we've gone cold turkey (of course part of that was due to the exodus of our drummer). Hopefully with our great guitarist (yes he's that good) and a new drummer on the horizon (finger's crossed they gel because they're both awesome) things will pick back up on that front.
The book is going well, if a bit slowly. I'm content editing right now and trying to work out the direction I want to go with the ending. I know the feel I want so it's just a matter of nailing it down. I have a short story that my wife let some people read (before I'd edited it so I got picked on for grammar and punctuation which I'm not good at anyway, ugh!) and they like it and want to help get a script done for it and do a film shoot - no/low budget to see if it will get picked up - which is exciting and daunting at the same time.
Ok, I think that's it for now - hopefully this is slightly more entertaining than my previous whining and I promise to do better!

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've been in blog land but life has been a little too complicated to put out there lately. Update on the last post; I have lost approximately 13 pounds which is great but have been falling off the wagon a bit lately - I haven't gained anything back though so I'm hopeful to get back on track after the holiday.
I miss the innocent bliss of the holiday season of my youth. The older I get the more things creep in to make this time of year an emotional mine field. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and skip all festivities completely and part of me is still striving to get back the feeling I had even just a few years ago - hell even last year was at least pleasant and sadly that too has been lost due to events of the past year. None of which will be discussed here to preserve the feelings and dignity of the people I love. I just have to accept the fact that I may never get back the total enjoyment of the holidays and right now I'm in mourning over that fact. This year for some reason I'm especially missing my Uncle Jim for Thanksgiving and my Geba (grandmother, hey I was 1 and that was what I came up with LOL) for Christmas even though they've both been gone for a while now. Sigh...
On lighter notes, I have been writing some lately, trying to edit down the 16 chapters I have so far and see if I can find my way to the end of the story. I'm also potentially going to be doing a short film of my short story "Escape" which is really exciting! It's so weird to think of myself doing a movie LOL! It really brings to light for me just how mundane the movie business is and how ridiculous our idolization of actors and film makers is. Random thought I know ;-)
I will do my best to keep up with my blog better but as you know the best intentions are often led astray.

Time

Time is one of those things that both sneaks up on you and hits you in the head with a two by four alternatively. Lately it's been doing both to me. So much has happened over the past month or so since I've posted that I can't even begin to go into nor do I particularly want to relive any of it. Suffice to say it's been a difficult time that I only recently have felt like I'm coming out of. I am now in a financial situation that I know I will emerge from but being stuck in it sucks...I could really use $200K if anyone has it to spare! ;-) The other side effect of all this emotional crap is that I have been completely unable to write. It's as if my brain was disconnected from my hands - the conduit shut down completely. Luckily that seems to be slowly mending as well, whew! Now all I have to do is reconnect with my body - I've let myself get back to my highest weight and I feel like crap, another reason the writing has been a problem. It's harder for me to write if I feel yucky - I know for some people that's inspiration but for me it's like trying to see through a dirty window. I hate feeling this way because I know if I just try it will get better so quickly but the thought of actually trying makes me want to cry because I feel so crappy - the ultimate catch 22. Okay, enough whining for one day...

Yippee!!

I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)