Being Fat

I am constantly made aware anytime I read and article about weight loss that most people think fat people are lazy. Well I think most people are jerks and sadly I keep getting that judgment reaffirmed as accurate. Maybe the jerks are right though but it has to go beyond laziness, I don't consider myself super lazy (but I will be the first to say I'm not super motivated either) and all being called lazy does for me is to make me hurt. What good does that do? It just seems horribly judgmental and unhelpful to assume that if you're overweight your lazy or gross. It pisses me off. Let's examine your lives before you start throwing around judgment, I'm pretty sure there's something in your closets you wouldn't want exposed. I've been truly fat since my mid twenties but I was told I was fat all through high school by all the boys that I went to school with (at least if felt that way), I would actually get ambushed in the hallways and teased about it. I was all of size 14 when I graduated high school. That's not fat. It's not super model size but Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and she was a sex symbol. I was too young and stupid to realize that either they liked me and were trying to get my attention or they didn't like me and were trying to hurt me but regardless they weren't being honest. I let that eat away at me for years and went from a 14 to 22 throughout my 20s and most of my 30s. I'm trying to take back my body and it's an ongoing and uphill process because it's as much about reprogramming my mind as it is about losing the weight. I will succeed. This time I win. Love each other like there's no tomorrow. HM

Musings

This weekend should have been a bad one, Saturday we had a very difficult meeting with our church and several members decided to leave the church which meant losing valued friends. I came to realize however that through their actions they showed me that who I thought they were and who they really are are vastly different people. I could choose to wallow in self-pity and anger but I can't do that. I have learned while on this path that everyone has their own path to walk and they must walk it in their own honesty. That doesn't have to match my path or even parallel it and I have to be okay with that. I have to allow them to follow their own journey and let them go with all the love and compassion I have to give. They aren't bad people, they're just misguided and so stuck in their own emotional loops that they can't see the forest for the trees and I can't change that. I have to be okay with that. I don't love them less for their decision I just mourn for the people I thought they were. I have to decide if it's worth keeping up the friendship or letting them go completely. I still haven't decided that but I'm allowing myself and them time to let things work themselves out before I go jumping to decisions (something they sadly didn't allow). Aside from all this drama I had amazing weekend, after those few emotional hours I was able to fellowship with people I hold very dear and then a girls day with Mom and the wife. Special days. Judge less, forgive more and love so hard it hurts. HM

New Look!

I've been absent from blog land so long I just needed a change. The woman I was when I started this blog just isn't the same person I am today. The past few years have brought about both great joy and great sorrow and many mountains to climb, I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be but it hasn't come cheap. I couldn't bring myself to delete the blog though, it felt too permanent so I decided a makeover was in order. The picture I used for my header is actually one I took at the State Botanical Garden in Athens, GA, even in winter that place is amazing although I did cheat and use a template for the rest LOL. I've been longing to come back to my blog but I realized a hard truth about myself. I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I've always told other people that they have to be honest, completely honest, or they're doing themselves a disservice. I realized I was doing the exact opposite. Not in every way but definitely here, I felt like I couldn't be honest for fear of hurting people I know who read my blog. I guess I was scared that if I said something they didn't like I would lose them but in the end if I can't be honest about my feelings then the relationship is a lie anyway and I'm not losing anything I didn't have. I can no longer worry about that, if I need to vent then that is what I'm going to do. If I don't I will explode and that won't be productive (or pretty) for anyone. A quick update for everyone (or no one since I doubt anyone is still actually reading this LOL) - I'm working now solely as a writer and video editor, sadly unpaid up to now which I'm hoping to remedy soon as our name is starting to get out there. I still have a ton to learn but I'm finally enjoying what I do after almost 20 years in the work force. The wife is working a mundane job that she utterly hates but it pays the bills and we're finally getting caught back up from the hole we've been in for quite some time which helps a little with the hatred. My sweet cuz G has moved on from the music industry, at least for now, she's married and living up north and enjoying life for a while. I truly hope she decides to do something, even if it's just self release an album, she has a gift and it's such a waste to not give it to the world. The process of her changing course was not a happy or pretty one for any of us involved but thankfully we have all been able to forgive and come back together. I still ache sometimes when I hear one of her tracks or run across one of the many pics I took during that time, there was such magic there. Ok, I'm going to move on before I start crying. Geez, I'm such a wimp! LOL I hope to be in here daily, just to get back into the habit of writing daily since the video stuff has taken over lately but I know myself and I tend to get swept up into life and forget to blog. Judge less, forgive easily (including yourself!) and love so hard it hurts. HM