Holiday musings and maybe a few rants...

Well, I made it through Christmas. It wasn't that bad, just not as enjoyable as it used to be. The company was great and the food was great, I loved everything I got - it's not anything I can pinpoint other than missing traditions that died with the people that I made them with. I realized you can't force past traditions on new people, even if they are family, and it's hard not to get angry even if it's really really irrational LOL. One nice thing has started to happen though, time seems to be slowing down a bit - I can only hope and pray that's a trend for the coming year. I would love to come to this time next year and say FINALLY, IT TOOK SO LONG! I want to savor each moment, each experience and be able to remember what I did yesterday because it was memorable and not just another day. I tried so hard to do that this year and the deck seemed to be stacked against me. I'm not the only one either, everyone I've talked to has said that this year went by REALLY fast and REALLY SUCKED. The new year that is approaching I feel will be a welcome relief from the waning year of 2010.
Off topic rant: If you aren't going to do your job properly then don't blame me when I go behind you and it's impossible to do my job which in turn makes other parts of your job difficult. Shit rolls down hill and it's just karma if the shit that hits you in the face is YOURS!

See what I mean!

My last post was on the 1st and now here I sit looking at the date and it's the fucking 8th! How the HELL did that happen?!? I have absolutely no clue. It's frustrating to feel like you're loosing so much time! It's not like I black out or anything it's just that the days run together so fast that I feel like I'm barreling out of control in some unknown direction. I spend so much time worrying about what needs to get done or might be coming around the corner to get me that I just keep my head down and keep moving - obviously that's the answer to the "where did the time go" question...I do feel like at some point we will get out of this financial situation and into a very bright and happy future - I just hope and pray we get there before we lose everything. There has to be a lesson somewhere in all this chaos, it's just slowing the scenery down enough to pick out the details. I know I should probably be meditating but I can't sit still that long - too many monsters in the closet so to speak.
One good thing today though, we finished the football (unpaid job, ugh) video and will be handing it over on Friday :-) It looks fantastic, especially when you consider how crappy the footage we were given to work with! I really think the parents will be blown away and maybe we can get into their booster budget next year and actually get paid for it next time. We are at least putting our name and logo in the credits so maybe we'll get some free advertising out of it - you never know who might be the parents of one of these kids (fingers crossed!!). The sitcom project is going to have to be reshot but the upside is the writer has asked my wife to direct!! So exciting! If we can get this show picked up by a network...finger's so very crossed!!!!!
I've gotten a little more content editing done on the book - focus on the word little LOL. Perhaps I'll do some of that now - night all :-)

Two posts in one day!

Nobody faint - two posts in one day is almost unheard of for me but apparently I have a lot to say today. I've been going back through my posts to add labels (sadly didn't even know what they were until recently LOL) so maybe I can increase my follow a bit and I realized something. I've been a little boring lately. My posts are getting as lost as I feel lately and that is not good reading so I must apologize to my dear readers! I will attempt an update on some of the more interesting things in my life right now...
I'm still working with my wife at her company, with the economy it's been a struggle financially but I enjoy the work. We're shifting direction to the more creative side because A/V integration has apparently tanked in this market right now - even our more established competition is cutting staff and having a hard time so it's not just us. My wife is the queen of networking and finding the right people and we're slowly starting to infiltrate the film business outskirts. We have several video editing projects going right now, sadly none of them are paid but we're trying to get a demo reel up on the website and start a name for ourselves in the post production industry. We probably should have given up on the integration a little sooner but life is a series of lessons and I guess that one was one we needed to learn the hard way.
The band (I don't remember if I updated in the blog but my darling cousin decided to create a band with her musicians) is on holiday hiatus right now and I'm missing it terribly. I'm in withdrawal LOL - for so many months we were focused on the music and we've gone cold turkey (of course part of that was due to the exodus of our drummer). Hopefully with our great guitarist (yes he's that good) and a new drummer on the horizon (finger's crossed they gel because they're both awesome) things will pick back up on that front.
The book is going well, if a bit slowly. I'm content editing right now and trying to work out the direction I want to go with the ending. I know the feel I want so it's just a matter of nailing it down. I have a short story that my wife let some people read (before I'd edited it so I got picked on for grammar and punctuation which I'm not good at anyway, ugh!) and they like it and want to help get a script done for it and do a film shoot - no/low budget to see if it will get picked up - which is exciting and daunting at the same time.
Ok, I think that's it for now - hopefully this is slightly more entertaining than my previous whining and I promise to do better!

Does anyone know how...

to slow life down a little? Any advice? Anyone? Hello...? These days I wake up one day on Monday and the next day I wake up and it's Friday, where the hell did the week go?!? I know the days existed only because I'm freakin' tired. It's really quite irritating because there are things I want to get done but I'm at one job or the other or both most days and when I'm home I lapse into couch potato mode. I can't be irritated at anyone but myself for the couch potatoing, this I know, but it sneaks up on me! I innocently sit down for just a minute to wind down from the day and then 3 hours later I've accomplished nothing except watching TV when I could be writing, crocheting, yardwork, gardening or planning my holiday gift list, etc. I can forgive myself the days that I work both jobs because I don't tend to get home until after 11pm and any iota of energy I had to get things done is gone completely. The days when I only have my day job to go to I don't have any excuse at all except perhaps laziness. I never considered myself lazy but looking back I haven't really accomplished anything big yet, although I did finally finish that baby afghan LOL. Some people would consider a career track an accomplishment and if you're a doctor then I would agree but as an admin assistant turned mortgage processor turned admin assistant I tend to think of it more as a necessity than an accomplishment. Ugh, you know what, I'm sick of the self analyzing. This is boring. Subject change!!
Thanksgiving was actually pretty great even though I was a little upset originally about everyone else going their own way. It was just me, the wife and my parents and really yummy food, it was a nice relaxing day. My Mom grazed all day which is so funny because she eats practically nothing at home. Now on to Christmas! If I can manage to afford the gifts I need without going hungry I will consider it a success - how sad is that.

Yes, I'm still alive...

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've been in blog land but life has been a little too complicated to put out there lately. Update on the last post; I have lost approximately 13 pounds which is great but have been falling off the wagon a bit lately - I haven't gained anything back though so I'm hopeful to get back on track after the holiday.
I miss the innocent bliss of the holiday season of my youth. The older I get the more things creep in to make this time of year an emotional mine field. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and skip all festivities completely and part of me is still striving to get back the feeling I had even just a few years ago - hell even last year was at least pleasant and sadly that too has been lost due to events of the past year. None of which will be discussed here to preserve the feelings and dignity of the people I love. I just have to accept the fact that I may never get back the total enjoyment of the holidays and right now I'm in mourning over that fact. This year for some reason I'm especially missing my Uncle Jim for Thanksgiving and my Geba (grandmother, hey I was 1 and that was what I came up with LOL) for Christmas even though they've both been gone for a while now. Sigh...
On lighter notes, I have been writing some lately, trying to edit down the 16 chapters I have so far and see if I can find my way to the end of the story. I'm also potentially going to be doing a short film of my short story "Escape" which is really exciting! It's so weird to think of myself doing a movie LOL! It really brings to light for me just how mundane the movie business is and how ridiculous our idolization of actors and film makers is. Random thought I know ;-)
I will do my best to keep up with my blog better but as you know the best intentions are often led astray.

One day at a time

No, not the TV show LOL. It's the attitude I've had to adopt wholeheartedly recently. I have to give thanks each day that I still have a house, a car and food to eat and realize that each day is precious regardless of how scary things are. I also have started a new diet - one that I have witnessed results from other people that have done it. I'm always good at starting the diet, it's about a month into it where I start to loose focus that I have to step back and remember the mantra...one day at a time. I've also had to accept the fact that I have an addiction to food. This was a hard realization and one that I had denied for so long. I always used the excuse that I'm a "foodie", I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my yummy dinners out taken away by the diet monster. I came to realize how big of an excuse it really was - Chick-fil-A is not frickin' fine dining here people and that's the type of thing I was typically eating. I can only hope that these realizations will stick with me through the coming months and this time it will work.

Time

Time is one of those things that both sneaks up on you and hits you in the head with a two by four alternatively. Lately it's been doing both to me. So much has happened over the past month or so since I've posted that I can't even begin to go into nor do I particularly want to relive any of it. Suffice to say it's been a difficult time that I only recently have felt like I'm coming out of. I am now in a financial situation that I know I will emerge from but being stuck in it sucks...I could really use $200K if anyone has it to spare! ;-) The other side effect of all this emotional crap is that I have been completely unable to write. It's as if my brain was disconnected from my hands - the conduit shut down completely. Luckily that seems to be slowly mending as well, whew! Now all I have to do is reconnect with my body - I've let myself get back to my highest weight and I feel like crap, another reason the writing has been a problem. It's harder for me to write if I feel yucky - I know for some people that's inspiration but for me it's like trying to see through a dirty window. I hate feeling this way because I know if I just try it will get better so quickly but the thought of actually trying makes me want to cry because I feel so crappy - the ultimate catch 22. Okay, enough whining for one day...

Wishing for a place to hide

Rough Friday, lots of hurt feelings on both sides...Long Saturday and short Sunday meaning 9 hours sleep in a 48 hour period plus my actual period showing up fucking early. So now I'm regular emotional and hormonally emotional...ahhhh!! I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm afraid if I open my mouth to ask the questions I need answers to I'm going to open the flood gates and utter hysteria will ensue. I really wish I had a nice warm safe place to hide from the world for a few hours right now.

Nope...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, just been a tad busy lately. It's easy to get lost in the flow with so much going on - work, band rehearsals, open mic nights, etc. It's a very different life than I used to have, before all this going out on a weeknight was almost unheard of so my sedentary life has gotten a bit of a kick in the pants. I'm not complaining, it's just sometimes hard to wrap my brain around all of the things that are happening. We (and by we I mean my entire house) are embarking on a new lifestyle that includes improved diet and daily exercise, yet another thing to adjust to...YAY (insert dripping sarcasm here). I know it has to be done, I'm back up to a new highest weight of 242 (ouch that hurt to type) so if I want to enjoy my life I have to start living it and not burying myself under mounds of fat. I've also made a recent discovery that playing guitar is HARD and it hurts too. I've wanted to play an instrument my whole life and a piano is a bit cumbersome so I thought this would be a great idea. So far let's just say my pride and confidence have taken a beating. I'm sorry I'm a bit random today, my brain is a jumping bean at the moment. Sigh...

Sad...

I'm currently working with my wife at her company. I enjoy the work for the most part but I feel a much bigger sense of responsibility and pressure than I have working in any other environment. I feel like my shortcomings are a much bigger liability here than anywhere else I've worked. I don't know if that's because I lean on her in our personal life and though I try hard not to transfer that to work I probably do. I didn't make a phone call for her today, not because I didn't have time or anything but because I was scared. It makes me sick to say that but I have to be honest with myself about it. So much was riding on that phone call and I couldn't stomach the possibility that I would screw it up. I know I let her down. I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry. Sigh...

Yippee!!

I got up early this morning, 7:30am which for a Saturday is like 6am, and it was for nothing. I could have slept another hour because the person I was supposed to meet didn't show and didn't call me until 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to be there. Oh well, such is life. I've had two doughnuts, yummy but oh so bad for me, and a small coffee. These things did not help my groggy state in the slightest. I posted essentially that on Facebook and then played a few games just to pass the time. We're here at the office/studio today to rehearse for a gig on the 20th and to audition a few people for the band. This is fun to some extent but I'm not really involved with the decision making so other than listening I don't have much to do. Anyway, I played my games then decided to log in to my blog to whine about being up early when to my utter surprise I have a NEW FOLLOWER!!!! I am so delighted that someone other than my immediate family is actually reading my blog! It has totally made my day and despite the foggy brain and the slight headache probably from too much sugar I am now quite happy :-)

Very cool :-)

My sweet cuz has given me a Versatile Blogger award! She and I are similar in that regard, we do not fall into a specific category of blogs - we just write what we feel and who we are. Randomness and all. Apparently I'm supposed to tell you all 7 things about me that you don't know, which until now didn't seem that difficult but faced with it I'm drawing a blank. Okay...here goes...

1. I spent my formative years as a preacher's kid. My Dad was in Seminary while I was a kid and was assigned to several churches before he decided it just wasn't his calling when I was about 8. It was both an interesting and difficult way to grow up, you had certain advantages but a great deal of pressure to act a certain way as well.

2. I was on a horse before I could walk. My Mom is a horse person to put it mildly. She had me up on her horse in front of her when I was about a year old and I pretty much stayed there most of my childhood. I drifted away from it in my teen years, at least the riding part - I still love horses and need them in my life to feel whole but right now I'm to heavy to feel comfortable up in the saddle anymore.

3. I LOVE music and dance. Music wise I am all over the place - I love everything from metal to classical and from rap to folk. I'm always surprising people with my taste in music - I don't exactly look like a metal head LOL. I also love dance, ballet is my first love but So You Think You Can Dance has opened me up to other styles. Not that I can dance but I love watching other people do it :-)

4. I'm a closet singer. I've been singing since I was a kid in the church children's choir and then in high school I was in chorus. I still sing in the car - at least when I'm alone. I don't feel confident enough in my voice to sing with other people around other than my wife (she loves me warts and all) although I've been trying to do it more lately. I've always had people around me that were better than me, first my Mom and now GE, so I've always felt safer singing alone even though I know they would never judge me.

5. One of my absolute favorite things is to cook. I was mainly taught by my Geba (so named by me at the age of one, I was her first grand baby and all subsequent grandchildren kept the name) but also some by my Mom. Everything else is self taught and learned from the old PBS cooking shows in the 80's - The Frugal Gourmet, Cooking Live, Yan Can Cook, Julia Child and more recently The Naked Chef and Good Eats. Yes, I'm a food whore LOL

6. One of my other absolute favorite things to do is travel. I could easily live off room service - now I am picky about where I stay though. It has to be a nice hotel - no less than 3 stars preferably 4-5. Now if my budget could follow that necessity I would be very happy. Some of my favorite places so far have been Scotland, Ireland & England, The Southern Cross Club on Little Cayman Island (a true treat if you can manage it) & Disney World. I'm a Disney freak if you must know.

7. Okay, 6 good things...now I must be honest about a small flaw in my personality. I have an issue with completing projects. For example, I love to crochet and needlepoint - I have a baby blanket that I started when my wife's cousin was being born...she's now 9 and it's still not done. I have another afghan that I started in the mid 90's that will hopefully eventually be a king size blanket but is currently still only about 2 feet in height. My needlepoint project I started before my uncle died (he got me into needlepoint and it's been hard to get back to it since his death) several years ago. I also have the problem in my writing, the original 4 chapters of my book I wrote back in 2001 and the book still isn't done. There are many other examples, none of which make me proud but I have to accept them, learn from them and move on. I'm actively trying to turn this behavior around - one day I'll have a closet full of blankets and a published book :-)

Whew...that's it folks. I hope you learned a little about me, got a little entertainment out of it and will hopefully continue to follow my little blog.
Thanks for reading!

Why oh Why

I ate Varsity for lunch. Some of you may not have a clue what I'm talking about, in fact most of you won't. You have to pretty much be from Atlanta to be in the know. The original Varsity is down the street from GA Tech and they are a landmark here. They still have a drive in down there with waiters on roller skates! There are also several Varsity Jr.'s around town which is what we went to today. I always forget how I'm going to feel afterwards because I go so infrequently. Don't get me wrong, the food is very yummy but it's so heavy and greasy and I always end up feeling like a big slug afterwards. Well actually for the 1st couple of hours it just wages war in my tummy, then the slug appears after that and I feel like I'm carrying about 50 extra pounds and someone slipped me some Valium..LOL! That's where I'm at right now - blearily typing away trying to stay awake and out of the bathroom. I know you are all thanking me right now for that image ;-)

Zombie Land

Well folks it's not pretty but this is the aftermath of a our long weekend. We all pretty much look like this - those of us who are actually awake LOL - I was just the only one brave enough (or is that stupid enough) to fall on the sword and show you.

It’s 10:30am on a sleepy Atlanta Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a warehouse rehearsal space with the wife, the artist and our family waiting on musicians for the band auditions. We are all currently praying that the turnout today is better than yesterday. This shouldn't be too difficult…we had one guy come yesterday. Not to say yesterday wasn’t fun, GE got a lot of rehearsal time in with a stage, lights and microphone – it was so cool watching her up there, she’s like a little sun that everyone revolves happily around. We are all a little bleary eyed this morning though so I’m hoping a little more excitement in the way of great musicians comes our way today. More later as things progress 
Well after a loooooong morning we finally got some action around 4pm – a drummer and a guitarist! Two different people, not all in one LOL. Nice guys and very talented. We’re all kinda dragging so it was nice to have some energy infused. The 6pm appt is here now which should help too 
Sigh…it’s now 6:46pm and I’m really tired of listening to this guy and his negative know it all crap. Yes he’s talented but if I hear him say MONEY one more time I may have to kill him. Of course we want to make money but if you put the music first the money will come – now shut the hell up dude, you sound like an ass.
Yikes – it’s 10:15pm and we’re still here. It’s a good thing though, the last guy to come in is a drummer and we had to wait for him to go get his kit – it was worth the wait  We’ve called back our fave guitarist and we’re currently waiting on him to get here so they can jam together and see if there’s a good vibe. I’m going slightly deaf…okay so more than slightly! The drummer is awesome if a bit quiet, he seems a little shy despite our efforts to get him to break a smile.
Yay – the guitar guy is back and setting up – it’s about 10:30pm now – we’re all tired and really punchy which is hilarious because we’re laughing at the dumbest shit LOL! Guitar guy is still setting up – his poor girlfriend that got pulled out of the shower by our request for a call back is I’m sure wondering who this insane crowd of people is. Lordie my brain is mush right now – I just spent a good couple minutes with my fingers hovering over the keys forgetting how to form words. Oh well, at least I’m still having fun!
11:45pm. Still here. 13 and a half hours. Great music. Great vibe. No make that amazing. Some kinks but time will heal all. Very tired and ready to go to bed.

My strawberry has tits!

After the wife and I stopped rolling on the floor with laughter I knew I had to make this my first photo posted in my blog. I figured everyone could use the laugh ;-) Now back to work!

Getting myself out there...

Well, I'm trying to be more proactive about my writing career and garnering some attention (not something I'm terribly good at). I've created a gmail and facebook acct for Heather Michelle :-) I'm also asking for help from established and successful authors (thank you so much Jim!). Now all I have to do is WRITE. It's so easy for me to get overwhelmed with a project this big - I'm used to short stories that you can write in an hour LOL. I know I have a good story in my head and heart I just have to get it out through my little fingers and out from behind my stupid filters telling me that no one will read it anyway. Anyway. On to life stuff! These past two weeks have been BUSY ones, the music project that I mentioned forever and a day ago is back in gear and we're doing open mic nights around Atlanta and our darling little girl (ugh I can't call her that anymore as she is now officially an adult in every legal way, Happy 21st baby!) is KILLING it out there. I still love watching the people at the bar or the peripherals of the area turn their heads when she opens her mouth - the look of astonishment on their faces is priceless! I'm having fun too, I'm not much of a social butterfly but since I'm the driver at the moment I'm actually getting out and into the world of the living.
Now I must do a little writing or my little home gang will thrash me! LOL

Two sads and a happy

I'm in a great mood today which seems a little selfish in the light of one of my sads...My uncle is dying, there's no other way to say it unfortunately. I just found out he has decided to fight it but he's already so weakened (waited too long to go to the doctor) that I'm afraid treatment will kill him. I have mixed feelings about how to feel about it - he pretty much ignored and continues to ignore my existence but I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worse enemy so it's hard to reconcile in my heart. I'm sure if you asked him he would say he loves me so I can't be too hard on him, he's a good guy just a crappy life. My other sad is much more shallow but it actually made my cry last night and I rarely cry. My favorite dancer on So You Think You Can Dance is out of the competition due to injury. Alex is one of the most exquisite dancers I have ever seen and I've seen Baryshnikov live. He dances from the inside out and with a technique and grace that is beyond compare.
My happy today is my day - it has been great, I got a lot accomplished at work and the wife and I worked well together today :-) I feel so much lighter and happier now that I work here.
Life is certainly giving me a lot of ups and downs right now but I choose to focus on the ups and feel blessed that I have any at all because so many out there don't.

Really good weekend :-)

Had a great weekend with my family :-) There was shopping (twice!), really yummy food, bowling, cake and really awesome company. So much fun! Today was a good day too, work was good and got to have a fun afternoon with the wife.
Ugh, I'm trying to concentrate on blogging and keeping you actually updated with life at large but I can't seem to stay focused. Sigh...

How life changes...

I was reading through my last post (over a month ago, squeak!!) and I'm marveling over the changes that have taken place since then. To update everyone, I failed the damn test. This created a full on re-evaluation of my life and it's direction. I knew I would have to commit at least 6 months and more than a few dollars to taking a full scale class to pass the exam and it became increasingly clear that I was not willing to do that. I also discovered that regardless of any certifications my job description was not going to change and I would not make the amount of money that is standard for that type of cert. so I had to make a decision. I have since quit my job and am now working full time with my wife's company. We've always done better when we focus our combined energy on a task so despite the serious financial concerns we're going for it. I'm adjusting to the somewhat more relaxed atmosphere both at home and at work. I'm also having a hard time with adjusting to different expectations. I'm used to having a set task list, once you're done you've done your job and here it's more fluid than that and I feel very obligated to get things done and not be a hinderance so it's a little more stressful in that regard. She has of course assured me that I'm doing great but we always put more pressure on ourselves than others do. I am enjoying it though, the other day was so freeing to be able to run out in the middle of the day and run errands for the office and get dinner too, then be home at a reasonable hour and cook. Very cool in my book :-)
My book has taken somewhat of a back seat recently with everything going on, I'm a little overwhelmed with the project at the moment which isn't all that unusual. I've reread the whole thing and I was surprised at how much I rushed through, like I was trying to get all the ideas in my head down without fleshing them out and it shows. There's so much I want to expand on and I really want to head in a slightly different direction with it, it's a little too sci-fi right now and I'm really going for more alternate reality than that. I want it to feel like what's happening in the book could happen to you, not necessarily the end but the journey so that the end is kind of shocking and thought provoking. Maybe now with my new schedule I can settle into a writing routine!