A little lost

I'm a little lost right now. I'm so tired of the rug being pulled out from under me that I'm starting to not trust anything, good or bad. I don't want to live that way. I want to be trusting, I want to be able to have relationships that go beyond the surface but lately that has gotten me burned (see last post LOL). I've been fighting to stay afloat for so long, I just need a vacation. A real one. Longer than 2 days. Somewhere quiet with good food and good booze and a comfy bed. Sigh.

What the hell

What is wrong with people lately? Is it just "Let's Disappoint Heather Month"??? I know I'm probably too trusting but damn. They are all people I care about, would actually consider them all closer than family and they're all acting like selfish asshats right now. I can't say that too loud, I spent the better portion of my late teens and early 20's being a selfish bitch but hell, who isn't at that age. I'm tired of taking the high road and not blasting them into orbit, tolerance only goes so far before all your doing is just taking it up the ass. So, since I can't say this to each of them I'm going to say it here: #1 - DUDE, you are an adult. You're just getting a divorce (again), you are too old and supposedly too together to pull this denial and lying bullshit. You're causing drama where there doesn't need to be and your HURTING people, not just your freaking wife but your kids and your friends. You know, the people who have BEEN THERE with you, standing with both of you and now you decide to freak out just because things are changing? Fuck you. Grow a pair. #'s 2&3 (married couple) - Love ya'll, I do, but damn. You're acting like a pair of spoiled, selfish, judgmental brats. STOP IT. You don't get it. This shit isn't ABOUT YOU nor will it ultimately effect you all that freaking much so WHAT THE HELL? Grow the fuck up. #4 - DUDE. You are a professional. The people you claim to be in business with made a commitment to finish a project. You made a commitment to us. Therefore it is your job to shut up and finish the project in the timeframe the client needs it whether or not you get paid for it. It's the entertainment business, we do shit for free so we can get the experience so people will trust us with their vision. It's art for fuck's sake, you don't take that lightly. Man up or get the fuck out.

Great weekend :)

Had a great weekend with the fam, too much food and a little too much wine but a great time had by all. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming; work, eat, sleep, repeat... YAY....NOT... Anyway, I digress. I finally reached my 10% weightloss goal at Weight Watchers :) I've been dancing with that goal for the better part of a lifetime and I've finally reached it. There are so many contributing factors as to why it's worked this time and why I think I will actually be successful it getting it all off this time. My head is in the game this time. I've discovered that it's easy to lose weight, it's just not easy to fight years of programming, self esteem issues and possibly past traumas. I'm in such a good place right now I feel like I could take over the world! Now to funnel all that into my book and getting it published...

Happy Birthday to ME, LOL

Yes, it is my birthday and no I'm not telling how old I am. Doesn't make much difference anyway, I still feel 20 something :) A lot has been going on in regards to my church life and those relationships that spill over into the personal, I've been struggling with how best to handle the situation and I just got a big shove in the right direction. That Universal 2x4 comes in so many different ways, sometimes mundane and sometimes with a healthy dose of hocus pocus thrown in. That was my case today, I got a free birthday reading from tarot.com, I've been getting their daily horoscopes for years now most of which I ignore because they aren't always on target for me personally. It was a Celtic Cross spread which is one of my favorites, I don't often work tarot but when I do that's what I use, I've found that tarot is not something you want to do very often because it can confuse you if you aren't clear on what you're asking. For those of you who don't believe in that sort of thing that's fine, tarot for me is a way to connect to my subconscious, that part of me that doesn't always come out to play when I need it to or when I'm stupid enough not to listen normally (i.e. to trust myself). I digress. I asked for guidance in regards to the church/friend situation and the answers were clear and empowering, I know what I have to do (though it will be most difficult). I will have to, at least for now, sever the relationship. I can't allow the behavior I've witnessed to go unnoticed and unanswered, I know what I need to know and no matter how much convincing from their side is going to make the actions okay. I still love them, probably always will, but as my favorite aunt always says "when you turn the sound down and watch their actions you'll see the truth". What I find most annoying (this is the rant section in case you're wondering) is that they are accusing our church elders of unethical behavior, something I know to be untrue, and since the split we've come to see that it is in fact their behavior that is unethical - a liar can't believe anyone else. I know they will defend themselves and try to show proof they don't have and normally I would subject myself to that out of a sense of duty or loyalty or whatever but this time I can't. I know my path and where the truth lies and I just don't care anymore to hear the drama and bullshit. Heavy stuff for a birthday :/

Being Fat

I am constantly made aware anytime I read and article about weight loss that most people think fat people are lazy. Well I think most people are jerks and sadly I keep getting that judgment reaffirmed as accurate. Maybe the jerks are right though but it has to go beyond laziness, I don't consider myself super lazy (but I will be the first to say I'm not super motivated either) and all being called lazy does for me is to make me hurt. What good does that do? It just seems horribly judgmental and unhelpful to assume that if you're overweight your lazy or gross. It pisses me off. Let's examine your lives before you start throwing around judgment, I'm pretty sure there's something in your closets you wouldn't want exposed. I've been truly fat since my mid twenties but I was told I was fat all through high school by all the boys that I went to school with (at least if felt that way), I would actually get ambushed in the hallways and teased about it. I was all of size 14 when I graduated high school. That's not fat. It's not super model size but Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and she was a sex symbol. I was too young and stupid to realize that either they liked me and were trying to get my attention or they didn't like me and were trying to hurt me but regardless they weren't being honest. I let that eat away at me for years and went from a 14 to 22 throughout my 20s and most of my 30s. I'm trying to take back my body and it's an ongoing and uphill process because it's as much about reprogramming my mind as it is about losing the weight. I will succeed. This time I win. Love each other like there's no tomorrow. HM

Musings

This weekend should have been a bad one, Saturday we had a very difficult meeting with our church and several members decided to leave the church which meant losing valued friends. I came to realize however that through their actions they showed me that who I thought they were and who they really are are vastly different people. I could choose to wallow in self-pity and anger but I can't do that. I have learned while on this path that everyone has their own path to walk and they must walk it in their own honesty. That doesn't have to match my path or even parallel it and I have to be okay with that. I have to allow them to follow their own journey and let them go with all the love and compassion I have to give. They aren't bad people, they're just misguided and so stuck in their own emotional loops that they can't see the forest for the trees and I can't change that. I have to be okay with that. I don't love them less for their decision I just mourn for the people I thought they were. I have to decide if it's worth keeping up the friendship or letting them go completely. I still haven't decided that but I'm allowing myself and them time to let things work themselves out before I go jumping to decisions (something they sadly didn't allow). Aside from all this drama I had amazing weekend, after those few emotional hours I was able to fellowship with people I hold very dear and then a girls day with Mom and the wife. Special days. Judge less, forgive more and love so hard it hurts. HM

Repetitive

Ok, so I've been going back and reading some of my more recent posts and I've realized how repetitive I'm sounding. I promise to do better! I think the updates are more to get myself back on track. I've been doing this with my novel too. I got back into it recently after a large video project completed and I actually had time again. I found myself retelling a story I'd told 2 chapters previously, it's like I've been absent for so long I've forgotten where to fit back in. The sad part was I liked what I'd written before better than the repeat. Hopefully I will get my ass in gear and get back on horse so to speak!

New Look!

I've been absent from blog land so long I just needed a change. The woman I was when I started this blog just isn't the same person I am today. The past few years have brought about both great joy and great sorrow and many mountains to climb, I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be but it hasn't come cheap. I couldn't bring myself to delete the blog though, it felt too permanent so I decided a makeover was in order. The picture I used for my header is actually one I took at the State Botanical Garden in Athens, GA, even in winter that place is amazing although I did cheat and use a template for the rest LOL. I've been longing to come back to my blog but I realized a hard truth about myself. I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I've always told other people that they have to be honest, completely honest, or they're doing themselves a disservice. I realized I was doing the exact opposite. Not in every way but definitely here, I felt like I couldn't be honest for fear of hurting people I know who read my blog. I guess I was scared that if I said something they didn't like I would lose them but in the end if I can't be honest about my feelings then the relationship is a lie anyway and I'm not losing anything I didn't have. I can no longer worry about that, if I need to vent then that is what I'm going to do. If I don't I will explode and that won't be productive (or pretty) for anyone. A quick update for everyone (or no one since I doubt anyone is still actually reading this LOL) - I'm working now solely as a writer and video editor, sadly unpaid up to now which I'm hoping to remedy soon as our name is starting to get out there. I still have a ton to learn but I'm finally enjoying what I do after almost 20 years in the work force. The wife is working a mundane job that she utterly hates but it pays the bills and we're finally getting caught back up from the hole we've been in for quite some time which helps a little with the hatred. My sweet cuz G has moved on from the music industry, at least for now, she's married and living up north and enjoying life for a while. I truly hope she decides to do something, even if it's just self release an album, she has a gift and it's such a waste to not give it to the world. The process of her changing course was not a happy or pretty one for any of us involved but thankfully we have all been able to forgive and come back together. I still ache sometimes when I hear one of her tracks or run across one of the many pics I took during that time, there was such magic there. Ok, I'm going to move on before I start crying. Geez, I'm such a wimp! LOL I hope to be in here daily, just to get back into the habit of writing daily since the video stuff has taken over lately but I know myself and I tend to get swept up into life and forget to blog. Judge less, forgive easily (including yourself!) and love so hard it hurts. HM