Love and hate

This is the relationship I have with exercise. I love feeling more alert, more in control of my body but I hate the panting, sweat and very (did I mention VERY) sore muscles. I kicked my own butt yesterday, lower body workout (used the Biggest Loser Wii game) and today my ass and my thighs are cursing me with words even I don't use LOL. I'm very proud of myself for working myself that hard, I realized afterwards that I haven't exercised that hard since elementary school PE. For those of you that know me you realize it's hard for me to even say I'm proud of myself, I'm finally trying to allow myself to be that and admit it which I hope will lead to bigger and better things :-)

Lovely...

If you haven't caught on yet that lovely is dripping with sarcasm. I have discovered that medical coding, while mind numbingly boring, is a sign of the apocalypse...okay so maybe that's a bit drastic but it is a strange metaphor for everything that is wrong with our species at this stage of our evolution. {Do NOT comment to me regarding evolution vs. divine whatever, just DON'T} We nit pick things to death, and if you haven't looked at medical coding recently then you have no idea what I mean but trust me on this it is the most nit picky thing ever invented. Then there is health insurance, an utterly ridiculous idea that most civilized and uncivilized countries don't use. Why do we do this?? Money. The worst invention ever created by any sentient species in the universe. It is truly the root of all evil (well that and the blind insistence that my God is better than your God). If it weren't for money we probably wouldn't be as technologically advanced but I can almost guarantee we would be happier and more well adjusted. We have sacrificed happiness for money. I have some faith left in humanity and still believe that we would make the advances necessary without the financial gain part of it but then perhaps I'm just naive. Perhaps I'll stay that way because the day I stop believing that is the day I give up.

Ouch and Ugh

I'm full, hence the ugh, and I'm sore, hence the ouch. Ate too much dinner but enjoyed every little morsel LOL. I stepped it up a bit on the workout tonight and kicked my own ass, sniffle! Now I'm sore in more spots that I thought possible and I'm not looking forward to sleeping and letting all those muscles tighten up. I keep telling myself it's good for me and working (lost about 4 pounds, yay!) but my body keeps telling me to shut the hell up LOL!! Ah well, no pain no gain so to speak.
So much going on right now I havne't had much time or energy to pour out here but my brain is poking me saying it needs an outlet again so I will try to drag my poor little (snicker) body to my blog more often. Must go now though, it's time to watch Lost :-)

Words...

Sometimes, when we are tired or insecure, we use words that (I hope) we don't mean. We all have a perspective and each of us thinks that perspective is right. Instead of talking to people who have a unique perspective on a situation or someone who is simply good at listening we react in anger. That is all I will say tonight so I don't fall into the same trap.

Been a little busy...

Sorry guys, life has been a tad busy lately. I didn't realize how long it had been since my last post, I kinda freaked out when I saw the date LOL! I've been exercising, almost every day (took one off cause I was sick and yesterday off because I spent four hours of intense manual labor mucking horse stalls) :-) My doctor would be happy! Now I just need to work on the food angle all will be well. I haven't been writing much though, I have so many ideas in my head that I'm having a hard time sorting them out. It's hard to fit everything I want to do in a day when all this weight is literally weighing me down. It takes so much energy to get through work, working out, cooking, laundry, etc. that I don't have much left for more creative pursuits. I know that will improve as I lose the weight it's just a little disheartening at times know that there's something really cool inside my brain and no one else can see it yet. I hope that's the mark of a true writer and not just my ego talking. Perhaps it's my exhausted body yowling in pain (lol) that is making me a tad maudlin ;-)

Yikes...

I'm watching the first performance night of American Idol. All I can say is...wow...and not in a good way. I think may one girl so far that hasn't sucked ass and I wasn't expecting that one to be good. They've all been off or boring, the song choices are random which is probably due to the crap they let them chose from but STILL. Apparently the judges are all on crack or it sounds way different in the studio because none of them are being as critical as I would be if I were there.
Today was actually a decent day at work, I came home and sprawled across the bed to talk to the wife and fell asleep on her leg, LOL. I woke up almost an hour late and we were both curled up, me with my head on her leg, asleep. It was too cute :-)
Oh hell yeah! Crystal Bowersox is the shit! So far she's the only one who's nailed it. I can't wait to see what she does next. If she's gone next week AI banning will happen...grrr...!

Losing a friend

There are no words to explain what it's like when you have to say goodbye to one of your pets. My sweet cuz had to experience that today with her "grumpy old man" and while I try to offer my love and condolences I know first hand how little those words help. I've had to say goodbye to many a friend and I can honestly say it's no easier than saying goodbye to your human friends and family. The heart loves no differently, at least not in my experience, and when your loved one is separated from you it rips away a part of you. Time, in my opinion, does not heal all but it does ease the agony at least. I will never forget or stop loving my babies. So this post is dedicated to the sweet darlings of our past; Grey Kitty, Daisy, Muffy, Franky, Arty, Ashley Bear, Steamer and today's sweet baby Maddox. May you all rest is the most blessed of peace and I hope we meet again.

Sick and tired...

of being sick and tired. Most of my house is sick and we're all miserable :-( The only good thing is it's snowing! It almost never snows here so it's a rare treat. It'll be gone by Monday so I'm enjoying it while I still can. I don't seem to have much to say at the moment, perhaps it's because I'm drowning in phlegm (eww), so this will be short post today. Hopefully I will be well soon and back to my normal opinionated self.

Deja Vu and waxing philisophical...

It's a weird feeling, sitting there and all of a sudden you know without a shadow of a doubt that you've been exactly where you are doing exactly what you're doing. It's like the shadow of a memory but stronger sort of. It's not like any other feeling I've ever had. I've been having deja vu since I was a kid, it doesn't happen very often but it does still happen even now. For example, today I was sitting at my desk, posting checks, and that familiar yet still creepy feeling came over me. There's never any warning and it's always shocking and rather unsettling but still oddly reassuring. I've developed sort of a theory as to what it is but it probably won't be popular with most of you. I feel like it's flashes of other lives, not necessarily past lives because I don't thing time is linear. I feel like our souls are on a path of enlightenment, why is not for me to know on this plane of existence, but we're here to learn whatever lessons we can. I think until we learn the lessons required to move on we live the same general lifetime over and over and occasionally the soul suddenly remembers random moments. If you're rolling your eyes at this point or ready to boil me alive that's fine but I'm not trying to change your mind, just explore mine.

Getting older scares the hell out of me...

I'm not old nor am I close to being there but I work in an environment that is saturated with old (75+) people. I see what it means to grow old, to lose your motor skills, to lose your mental acuity, to lose what it means to be young. Your opinions grow old too, you grow closed off to changes in society, to changes in your life, to change at all. I suppose I see them at their worst, when they're ill, but it doesn't make it any easier trying to justify it. Some day I will slide into that existence as will everyone I know. It scares the crap out of me. How do I keep it from happening, how do I stay young at heart if not of body? Is it the mere acknowledgment of the potholes of the journey? Or is it simply the inevitable ending to life? I don't have the answers, I'm not sure anyone does, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm obsessing every day about this. It's just been on my mind of late as I've been interacting more with patients lately.
On a lighter note...LOST starts back tonight!! I admit to being totally hooked, curiosity has gotten the better of me and I must see it through to the end. I seriously hope the writers are as brilliant as they have made themselves out to be because if the end of this thing doesn't live up to the hype I will be sorely disappointed and more than a little pissed. Oh well, I'm going to try and enjoy the ride and wait for the answers like everyone else, something I'm not good at ;-)

ARGH...ARGH...ARGH...ARGH...

I have a few pet peeves. One of them is taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, your job, your life, and the 2nd is always try to treat others they way you would want to be treated. I don't always live up to either of them but I do my best to make sure I don't do it consciously. When I see someone else stomping all over both of these peeves I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. In this particular case I don't work for this person or her doctor so I have no say either way in how their patients are treated but I was hard pressed to keep quiet. It took longer for this person to argue with the patient about why she wouldn't do it than it would have to give him what he wanted, which by the way wasn't rocket science and would have taken all of 5 minutes. As soon as I heard "it's not my job" I was seeing red. It's a good thing I'm not her boss or she would have been fired on the spot. Hence the pic..LOL Aside from that the day still sucked, nothing went right, everything took longer than usual and it took a shower, Taco Bell and a drink to make it right again.
Okay enough venting about work....and yet that seems to be all I have to say today. Now that I've vented to the world at large (or my one reader, depending on how you look at it LOL) I feel better. I also feel a little sleepy and ready for mindless entertainment. :-)

Pretty new blog page :)

Thanks to my wonderful, awesome, amazing, talented cuz I have a new pretty blog header and profile! It is so me too, I keep staring at it instead of blogging LOL!
It looks all professional and "bloggish" :-)
Today was pretty boring at work (that's not really a bad thing LOL, I work at a doctor's office) and now I'm all happy and excited.
I'm a little irritated though, I've somehow lost part of my short story and I have no clue where it went. I had written a whole ending to it that added about 1500 words and now poof it's not there. Grrrr....So now I'm going to have to try and get back into the muse of that story and rewrite the ending. Sigh. I really liked the old one :(
OMG - the wife has apparently lost her mind, she's ARGHING at me like a pirate...although it could be because I irritated her ;-)
Anyway..LOL...
I'm hoping if I write here long enough tonight I'll miraculously gain inspiration and get back to work on my book. Think positively for me :)

Roller coasters and randomness

I love them. I used to be terrified of them and then one day at Disney World I realized I was a 32 year old who was letting my fear get in the way of my fun. That unfortunately is a theme in my life but I digress...I got on the biggest roller coaster I could find (Everest at Animal Kingdom), I figured it couldn't get any worse than that. It was scary and breathtaking and altogether awesome once I got my legs back under me LOL! Since then I've tried to remember that feeling, the complete surrender of control that resulted in some actual fun, and duplicate it when fear gets in the way. I tell this story because my life right now feels like being on a giant roller coaster, absolutely no control and going much too fast to register half of what's going on. I'm not sure if this is normal and I've just been living like a hermit crab and now I'm getting swept into the current of real life and don't know how to handle it or if this is not normal and I just need to make an effort to slow it down. I think if I could let go of some of the fear of the unknown it might be fun, or at least interesting.
Ah well, back to the mundane. I did survive the car tag drama, obviously. Two different tag offices, two looooong lines, and a whole heck of a lot of driving later I have my tag. I always find people watching in lines amusing. There are those that simply wait their turn quietly, those that are loud and irritated at having to wait and they make sure EVERYONE knows it, and then those in between that don't make a lot of noise with their mouths but their body language says it all. I fall somewhere towards the latter, LOL!
Confession: I call myself a writer but I'm too scared to pursue it beyond my own little world.
I've been writing since high school, poetry back then and now more fiction than anything. The poetry apparently died down with the teenage drama LOL. Whenever I let anyone read my short stories or book (partial) they tell me it's amazing and they want more and I should find a publisher, etc. I want to believe them but they're family (mom, cuz and wife) and part of me keeps whispering to me that they're just being nice like those people on American Idol that can't sing but they're families keep telling them they're the best thing since sliced bread. I feel sorry for those people and I do NOT want to make a fool of myself by exposing my precious prose (they're my babies!) to the outside cruel world ;-) Again it's the fear talking and I know I just need to ride the roller coaster and I am trying, it's just so damn scary!
And that ladies and gentleman is enough randomness for today - aren't you glad you aren't in my head!!

Time flies..

whether your having fun or not! LOL ;-) How the hell did it get to be Friday already? This week has been a blur - especially yesterday, up at 5am (ugh) and didn't get in bed until midnight. Long day is an understatement. I got pretty great sleep last night so if it weren't so cloudy and cold outside I'd be in the perfect mood, as it is I'm in a pretty good one. Even considering I have to go get my tags done today in two different counties...because my mom is on my loan as primary and she lives in another county I have to pay taxes there and fill out some stupid form and then come back to my county and get the actual tag sticker. Yeah it doesn't make sense to me either but whatever. I'll update you all as to how it went tonight...keep your fingers crossed ;-)

Not such a good day...

The wife had a migraine - I really hate to see her suffer like that and not be able to do anything other than put towels over the windows to keep the light out. Then I got a headache and felt like crap halfway through the day. I'm so overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to survive and pay the bills I feel like I'm drowning today. Most days I can keep it together but today wasn't one of them. I think my body was just reacting to my panic.
The evening has been better, I got into the kitchen and cooked dinner and that always makes me feel better as long as I can drag my butt in there in the first place. We watched AI and laughed and cringed at the crazies. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Favorite New Quote:
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe
Amen sister!!

Welcome to Slugville

I have been a complete and total slug this weekend - the first time I went outside the house was this afternoon to go to the store. I think my last two weekends of 16 hour drives and frenetic pace finally caught up with me. I feel bad because I barely saw cuz her last two days - okay so I didn't see her at all. I'm sure she had fun exploring the city but I feel like I abandoned them. I did have fun with B, cuz's youngest son, though - played WOW for way longer than is probably healthy LOL. He's an awesome kid - I'm old enough to be his mother so I feel more like an aunt than his cousin. I'm definitely the cool aunt thought LOL! Mom and Dad are going to kill me when he starts begging for a WOW subscription - sorry guys!!
Back to work tomorrow so I'm trying to drag myself back into the land of the living. I so don't want to right now. Ugh.

I had forgotten...

how much I hate the first weeks of AI - such crap. It irritates me how patronizing this show is and yet I watch it, what does that say about me? At the moment I'm too tired to really contemplate my hypocrisy.
Today is the beginning of my weight loss journey - this one will have to be successful because my health really does depend on it this time. I did 22 minutes of Wii Fit tonight, warmed up with the balance games and then did some aerobics and yoga - oh my abs! Drinking water now - it's going to take some effort and attention to not come home and grab a beer and lay down in front of the TV. Bad habits aren't created overnight but in this case they're going to have be broken overnight. At least I have help and support at home - and people who will kick my ass if I don't listen to the doctor.

Back to the present!

Monday was slug day - at least after my doctor's appt. My glucose # is above normal and I've had 3 borderline high blood pressure readings at my last 3 visits. My doc is all over me to lose weight - she's really concerned w/ my #'s given my age (thirty-something). Sigh. I know how to eat properly I've just lost the energy to put that as a priority. Something else we discussed - I've been on Wellbutrin since my last visit a month ago and now she's up-ing me to 300mg. I'm a little nervous about that. I really don't want to be dependent on drugs but I know I need a little help right now. I'm hoping as I try to re-engage in my life and with the people in my life I will see an improvement in me.

Today was back to work - really decent day! Things went smoothly and I was very grateful for that. Watched the 1st night of AI and I'm not sure I can stand it another season but I love Ellen and I'm determined to at least watch through to her first episode to see how she does. I'm pooped and done a ton of typing getting everything caught up. Night all :-)

Sunday 1/10/10

WARNING - not a good day - thank the hormones for this one - a touch more anger and cursing than usual ;-/

Oh Fuck. Today is apparently one of those days I don't need to be interacting with humans. First off my period came last night, thanks ever so much, and my hormones are raging. Everything and I do mean everything is pissing me off right now. Even the fact that it's so bright and fucking sunny outside today - why can't the weather match my mood - I don't feel like that's asking too much. All of us are a little touchy today - except perhaps my wife (also known as Producer girl), and feelings are a little too close to the surface for sanity. Sigh...some days I wish I still smoked. At the moment we're tracking guitars and by "we" I mean out of 6 people in the room 2 of them are actually working LOL. I think musicians have this bizarre ability to be sexy regardless of what they actually look like as soon as they pick up an instrument - so unfair! Anyway...this part is pretty boring but that is probably mostly due to my mood. I'm also not looking forward to another 7-8 hour drive back home, although at least it's not raining. I'll probably actually appreciate that stupid sun once I'm driving.

I am in full fly mode today - they're all talking about who knows what and I'm over here scribbling my rantings and observations - I guess I'm projecting that fuck off vibe pretty well. It's days like this that my irritation and if I'm being honest jealousy are hardest to ignore. I feel like I've never and probably won't ever do anything as cool as this. True or not that's how I feel today. Good grief now I'm irritating myself with all this whining. If I want to make something happen it's up to me - I should just enjoy this experience and get over myself.

Ahhhh!! I think I've finally gotten to the point where I could stand not to hear this song for a few days. Especially this little part they're trying to get the guitar part right for & I've heard like 20 times. Ugh! The lava lamp looks like a jelly fish right now - in an hour or so it'll take on sort of a scrambled egg appearance and finally by the end of the day it'll finally look like it's supposed to with the bubbles. Heh - how's that for randomness.

Have you ever had to sit somewhere and look the outside like you're peaceful and calm but on the inside you are literally screaming. Most of the time I can ignore people's BS but today I just don't have the patience to filter it out. The Engineer is pissing me off at the moment - he acts like because he can push the stupid little buttons that everyone else in the room is a mere nuisance and we should be happy that he allows us in his presence. WTF. Right not I'd gladly take one of his guitars and bash him over the head. But he's my wife's best friend and I can't so I have to keep my mouth shut and channel the fly. Has anyone ever actually exploded from anger?

Long, long, long drive but luckily uneventful - got in around 2am. Too tired to think. Hopefully tomorrow will be less colored by the hormone monster.

Saturday 1/9/10

Second day in the studio, this AM we're tracking vocals, considerably less deafening - hehe. I have the funny feeling I'm going to be bored by this song by the end of the day and 40 times hearing it but it's still pretty cool that I'm here at all. Who knew that a part of my family that I hadn't seen in 30 years would become so intricately a part of my life now. I've been cut off from most of my family for so long, probably because of my reclusive parents but it's almost hard to know how to act around them because of that. I've recently discovered that I have a problem showing and accepting affection, I've realized how much it's effected parts of my life - I haven't let people in and I don't know how yet. I want to learn and I'm trying to figure it out but it's a little scary. Ugh. I keep digressing into randomness, oh well LOL no apologies. We're on the 5th run through and she keeps getting better, finally putting some some real heart into it and it's mind blowing in the best way. She is scary good. It's a lot more mellow today in the studio without the musicians but at least my ears aren't numb :-)

Much later in the afternoon now - had to go on a gopher run to break the monotony because even though I love the song 20 times is enough to drive even the most ardent fan a little nuts. I will say it's a fun atmosphere in here - I've never been in a "session" before so I don't have any references but there's a lot of laughing going on, pretty great vibe if you ask the fly. The producer (wifie) and the mom (mamma cuz) are conspiring on how to get the emotion out of GE - LOL. I'm busy watching the lava lamp bubble and swirl and reading Twilight for the 2nd time. Go Team Edward ;-)

Back at the hotel - today was amazing. The vocals are done and they are kick ass! Tomorrow we do filler guitars and percussion because we even got the harmonies done today :-) We had a good dinner at IHOP, everybody said we started a new tradition, going there after a good session. The girl is already in bed, Mom's on the puter and watching Dallas cream Philly, Producer is next to me having a drink and watching the game too. I wish I understood football, well okay so that's actually not true...if I really did I would. I guess I just wish I understood the point of a bunch of men trying to beat the crap out of each other over a funny shaped ball (sorry Deniz). And what the hell is a down, no one can seem to articulate it in a way that makes me understand or give a damn. Hell, when did Keith Brooking get traded to Dallas....do they trade in football or is that just baseball? Hmm...another pointless ball game I can't play LOL. EEEEEWWWWWWW!!! some stupid football player just spit on the sidelines - what the hell is that about?! LOL - OK maybe 3 screwdrivers and a very exciting day cause for interesting though pathways. Oh crap, it's 11:30pm!! How'd that happen? I just checked and it's was 10:30 - what the hell happened to that hour :-( I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun :-) Night all - love ya!